Choices

I have a choice to make, but it doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like choosing between the life I have dreamed about and loneliness. I know that the life I dreamed of doesn't exist right now, but what if it is waiting on me? What if I am supposed to bear this insufferable pain a little longer to reap the sweet reward? Maybe there is no reward. This goes on all day and night in me head. I think of reasons to file and then counter them with reasons to wait a little longer. It is like silent torture 24 hours a day.

Deep down, I want it to work out. I love M or at least I loved the old him. I still dream of my loving husband coming home to put our life back to together. I am willing to forgive him if he is willing to commit to our marriage. He is scared and when M is scared he avoids and procrastinates. That just digs this dark, big hole a little deeper. Instead of scratching his way out he is hiding in the darkness. I do not want to stay in the dark anymore.

I told him he must commit to moving home, not this moment, but in the near future or I want out. He just sputters excuses about being scared and has the nerve to tell me that I act as if divorce is so simple and easy. Easy? Nothing about this choice has been easy. I am dying inside over this.

I know what I need to do. It is just so hard to take that first step and make that call. It is all so final. I keep secretly hoping that he will see this is worth fighting for and stop me before I muster the courage to pick up the phone and seal our fate.