This story is old. It is depressing. I am so sorry that I keep retelling it. This just seems to be the only place I can sort through my thoughts. My mind is cluttered and fear is taking over the rational part of my brain. I think I am ready. At least tonight, I feel ready to move on. I may wake up tomorrow and the pathetic, stupid part of me will still have hope and continue to wait.
I have not had a positive interaction with M in quite awhile now. We went back to the therapist (yes, the crazy one). M only answers questions in a vague way as to avoid any type of commitment on his part. I can't stand it. It takes every ounce of my being to not reach across the room and beat the crap out of him. I know violence is not the answer, but a good daydream can be stress relieving. His favorite answer is "I'm trying". What the fuck does that mean? He is not here. He is not any nicer to me. So "I'm trying" is just another bullshit answer if you ask me.
How exactly do I go about this? I don't have enough money on my own to support Monkey and me. I can try to work more hours, but I took this job as part time (and with part time pay) so Monkey would not be in full time daycare (M & I's decision). I will not have any health insurance and with my luck would break a leg the week my policy through M's work expired. I know I can live with my parents for awhile, but is that really the answer? I can't even afford the attorney's fees without draining all I have. I have sent out some resumes regarding some full time positions, but in this economy, it doesn't look encouraging. Let's also be real, I would be fired in the first two months for being gone when Monkey is sick.
My brain is on overload. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I can't concentrate for more than 30 seconds (and that is a good day). Monkey is sick with another sinus infection and decided to make my day better by puking at daycare. Poor baby is now sick with some type of stomach bug. M had the nerve to tell me that I was exaggerating his being sick because it was his night. What the fuck is that? I am the one who deals with all the illness. I would be relieved to finally have a healthy kid and to not spend most of the money I do make at the pediatrician's office or the pharmacy. To top it off, I just realized that I really didn't think of Noah today and what kind of mother does that make me? Fuck him for making me less of a mother. I don't think I have the capacity to deal with anymore stress or feel anymore grief, sadness, anger, or heartbreak.
I just need a break. A vacation far, far away...sorry, daydreaming again. I can't afford to go anywhere and what would I do with Monkey? M would have a fit if I left him with my parents and I am not sure they are up to an all-nighter. I definitely don't want to leave Monkey with M for a weekend. Not even opening that can of worms..
I apologize for the rant. I just needed to vent.
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7 comments:
I have no wise words for you but I am listening. I do think that sometimes we pressure ourselves to make a decision, reach a conclusion, or decide sooner than we're ready. I worry that you are being too hard on yourself to get through this too soon. Take the time you need, when you are ready you will know what you need to do.
I wish you could take a vacation, somewhere warm and relaxing.
(hugs)
Don't feel bad for 'ranting'. You have every right.
day too, trying to work through everything you are.
Hugs.
I think I would need a holi
Hi mate...you have every fucking right to rant. Sometimes - ok, most times, shit does not go down the way it should. It sucks. bigtime. what you're describing reminds me so much of what I'm going through right now.
Sending you a huge e-hug through cyberspace.
By the way the main picture of your boys facing each other is just beautiful. And Monkey is so cute too!
Hope you feel better soon. in some way?
xx
Just wondering why M wouldn't pay child support. Aren't there laws about things like that in the US? I thought it was bad here (in Israel)...
Just wanted to say your beautiful the picture of your boys is. I wish I had thought to have a picture of my babies taken together. Don't apologise for venting. Hope your Monkey is better soon.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. I lost one of my twin girls in August last year, they were born too early at 23 weeks. It is hard when you realised that you haven't thought about one of your children for a few hours. Please don't feel this makes you less of a mother. Your love for both your children is evident in your writing.
Thanks also for your posts about twins. My sister-in-law, good friend and next door neighbour all have twins and it is just so hard to deal with. Struggling for words here, just wanted to say thank you and that I am thinking of you and my heart breaks for you. Hope you can sort things out with M and I also wish you could have the vacation you deserve. xx
This is the place for ranting - and a ton of other things too.
I get so fired up every time I read how Monkey's medical needs are always your issue. He needs to pull his weight - sorry, now I'm ranting.
xoxo
It's good to rant when you need it.
It's not fair that you have to go through this. I'm sorry. I hope you get some rest soon.
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