Happily Ever After

When I was little I always wanted to be a Mother. I was the kid that had the very real looking baby doll with all of the accessories. I cared for that baby and took her everywhere.

As I grew older, I still wanted to be a mom. The plan was to go to college, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. I guess in a way I am 3 for 4, but when I dreamed those dreams it did not look like this. I dreamt of marrying my best friend. We would be kind and loving towards one another. We would have 3 perfect children who we loved more than life. I wanted it all, including the white picket fence.

I think I thought it all just happened that way for everyone. No one ever told me marriage is hard. No one told me that babies die. No one told me that husbands fall out of love and just decided to leave one day. No one told me that I would marry my best friend, but that we weren't kind and loving enough. At times things were good, but it far to hard most of the time. He felt restricted and I felt alone. No one told me that I would have two beautiful sons, but I would only get to keep one ( I hope at least). No one told me I would end up alone.

The silence is slowly sucking all of the air out of the room. I can't stand to be in this house any longer, but this is Monkey's home and I will remain here as long as we can to give him that stability. I don't know how to do this. This is the way I felt when Noah died, except then I wasn't alone. M was with me. We held each other and cried. There is no one to hold me now. He came to pick Monkey up and I just wanted to collapse in his arms. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it would all be okay.

I don't have any dreams anymore. Happily ever after does not exist.

The End

I can't breath. My chest is going to burst open with this pain. The tears won't stop and I was pretty sure I had used them all up. It is all so out of control. I can't make this stop. This is happening and whether it is the right thing or not doesn't really matter right now. Right now, I just want my best friend, the one I thought I would love forever. I want security. I can't even think straight anymore. It hurts too bad.

I am so sorry.

Monkey, I am sorry that you will never know what is like to have both of your parents there for you when you wake in the morning. I am sorry this is the life you will now lead. I promise I will be there for you. I will do everything in my power to make it better than right now. I love you. I would lay down and die for you. I am so sorry I have failed you.

I am sorry that I couldn't be the wife that M wanted. I am sorry that I didn't do enough before and after the boys arrived to make him feel important and strong. I am sorry that he is so sad that he has lost his way. I am sorry that my anger is boiling over and the hurt is so strong that I am now just a heap on the floor. I am sorry that I can't make this easier for you. I do not want this. I chose love. I chose my marriage. You chose to leave.

I guess it just doesn't matter anymore. It is all over.

My lack of self control..

The day started off pretty well for a change. M, Monkey, and I went to church followed by lunch. We even stopped so Monkey could play in the park on this unseasonably warm January day. For a brief moment, it almost felt like we were a family. Then the reality of where we are slapped me in the face.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control and hurt. I find the anger bubbles up when I am least expecting it to. My mind tells me to just go with things and follow M pace, but my heart is breaking and shouting for the agony to stop. I called M tonight wanting to find a time to talk about where we are going. It turned into an all out fight with the horrible screaming and name calling. We definitely do not fight fair. I am not proud of that fact, but it is the truth when it comes to us. I am right back where I started. I know I should have not made that call, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I just want to move forward. Living like this is suffocating. It is lonely and it hurts so bad to feel so unloved.

At times, I think I should just get it over with and file for divorce, but I can't seem to give up on the idea of what our life used to be. I can't imagine my life without M. I am so scared to choose the wrong thing. I think that is what he thinks. No one makes a choice because we are to terrified of making the wrong one. I am damaged goods and at times I feel unlovable. It is true, if you don't love yourself, it is impossible for another to love you. I think we both are struggling to love ourselves. We are so hurt and angry that it seems impossible to move beyond that.

After tonight, it may be over anyway. Why is he doing this to me? It all feels so hopeless.