Happy 5th Birthday!
I love you both to the moon and back!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Fall
The heat outside finally broke this weekend. Finally, cool air and the freedom to be outside without feeling like you will melt. I spent the day in the gorgeous sunshine working in my yard trying to make something pretty from the ugly weeds. I almost felt alive.
For such a good day, how do I end it weeping from the depths of my soul? The last few weeks, I have felt hopeless at times, but mostly just sad for what seemed like no reason at all. Seems, I would put this together by now, but I think I have just refused to let myself go there. In two weeks, my sweet boys will be 5. Well, Monkey will be 5 and Noah, I guess I believe will always be the same sweet baby he was. It's like the changing of the season stirs up the grief to make it fresh and new.
I find myself aching to hold him. The hole in my heart is torn wide open when I think of him. I was working on making Monkey's birthday invitations, when I came across the videos of the day they were born at my parent's house. I, in almost 5 years, have yet to watch them. I can't. I put one in the camera and dared myself to turn it on. There was my family, full and complete. A mom, a dad, and two wonderful babies. Watching his blue eyes made me feel like I could touch him. I only watched a short time, as it became apparent how much Noah struggled to take each precious breath. I almost feel guilty that I fought so hard to keep him alive and yet so guilty for not keeping him from getting sick that fateful day. It makes no sense.
I have struggled this year to get Monkey's BDay celebration planned. I think somewhere in my mind, I think if I put it off, I won't have to deal with it all. I am so proud of what a strong boy he has become and how much he loves his family, including the brother he really doesn't really know except for in his heart. I try to focus on him and how he sees Noah in the moon and stars. I look and look hoping to see what Monkey sees, but I just see an empty sky...
God, I miss him. I pray he is at peace and can feel my love.
For such a good day, how do I end it weeping from the depths of my soul? The last few weeks, I have felt hopeless at times, but mostly just sad for what seemed like no reason at all. Seems, I would put this together by now, but I think I have just refused to let myself go there. In two weeks, my sweet boys will be 5. Well, Monkey will be 5 and Noah, I guess I believe will always be the same sweet baby he was. It's like the changing of the season stirs up the grief to make it fresh and new.
I find myself aching to hold him. The hole in my heart is torn wide open when I think of him. I was working on making Monkey's birthday invitations, when I came across the videos of the day they were born at my parent's house. I, in almost 5 years, have yet to watch them. I can't. I put one in the camera and dared myself to turn it on. There was my family, full and complete. A mom, a dad, and two wonderful babies. Watching his blue eyes made me feel like I could touch him. I only watched a short time, as it became apparent how much Noah struggled to take each precious breath. I almost feel guilty that I fought so hard to keep him alive and yet so guilty for not keeping him from getting sick that fateful day. It makes no sense.
I have struggled this year to get Monkey's BDay celebration planned. I think somewhere in my mind, I think if I put it off, I won't have to deal with it all. I am so proud of what a strong boy he has become and how much he loves his family, including the brother he really doesn't really know except for in his heart. I try to focus on him and how he sees Noah in the moon and stars. I look and look hoping to see what Monkey sees, but I just see an empty sky...
God, I miss him. I pray he is at peace and can feel my love.
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