I miss my Monkey

Monkey is with M for the weekend. I know I should cease the moment to do something for me. Instead, I worked on my house, painting and crying all at the same time. I can't do this. My heart and body aches for my babies. I didn't ask to be separated from my children. I brought them into this world promising to love and protect them. I love them more than I imagined I would, but I have failed miserably at protecting them. Reality is sneaking up on me. Soon, my worst fears will be true and Monkey will be a part of their little "family". Fuck me.

Shame

I wear it like too tight wool sweater on a 90 degree day. It makes me divert my eyes when someone asks how I am. It is the way I avoid having to explain my current situation by never mentioning my personal life. It is a 10,000 lb weight that I can't seem to put down.

The shame is tinged with grief. My grief is mine, guarded as if I protect it I will always carry my dear son with me. The shame though, I wish it would get the hell out of here. I didn't do this. I didn't disgrace my family. I didn't put my son last and act like a coward.

I want to hold my head high. I tried when there was nothing left to try for. I stood by Monkey when I thought there may be no more to give. I learned there is always more for your baby even when you think you can do no more. I survived. Don't I get to hold my head up for that? I survived watching my son suffer for 90 days, dying, and having my family torn apart by the one person I trusted the most. I am still here. Doesn't that count for anything?

Why does he not carry the shame? A baby shower for a child conceived out of lies and deception? Does no one seem to think that maybe it is inappropriate considering his marriage is barely over? Apparently, his remaining friends and ignorant family can let all of it go and celebrate his acts of abandonment and immorality. I know the baby will be no matter what, but to flaunt such a horrible transgression against those who loved and supported you? To carry no shame over the "mistakes" you have made? It is as disgusting as he is. I am so sorry that he is Monkey and Noah's father. They deserved so much more than him.

I think I am going to be sick...

Fuck me.

It is a boy.

Does it ever stop?

What next, will it be twins?

Will they name "it" after Noah?

Will he disgrace my dead son even more?

It all makes me sick. I just don't understand God and these terrible jokes on me. I must have been really bad in a previous life to deserve all of this.

When do I stop fighting?

I am tired. My mind is on overload and honestly I think I am fighting a losing battle. M told me that she is living with him. How exactly does that work when our court orders specify that she cannot be anywhere near Monkey? He claims she leaves during this time. Are you fucking kidding me? Here is the irony. They are living with his parents. Wait it gets better. His Dad is a minister. What kind of fucking minister is okay with his son and his knocked up mistress living with them. Apparently, all sins are forgiven. The hypocrisy just kills me.

My attorney and I have discussed the issue and she has given me the choice of taking him back to court for contempt. He could lose the right to have Monkey in his home if I win. It could also be ugly and nothing would change except adding more fuel to this raging inferno. What the hell am I to do? Am I to follow him each evening that he has Monkey for a visit? I have tried very hard to not do that. I am trying to rebuild my life and it is impossible to let go when I am so very worried about my son. I hate this. It is exhausting and I have lost my temper with him more than I care to admit. My good friend told me I must stop letting him get under my skin. I just need to walk away and not engage with him. It is so hard. I am so mad that at times I feel so very out of control. I haven't decided about court, but it is something to consider I guess. Am I protecting or hurting Monkey by keeping him from his Dad? I just want to do what is best for him. He deserves so much more.

I want Daddy.

Three words that rip my heart out of my chest. There stands my heartbroken little boy in his striped pajamas crying, "I want my Daddy". At first, I feel like a total failure, but then it occurs to me that of course he misses him. This is just the first time he has really been upset by the drop off from M. We try to talk about his day. We sing and giggle, but even with distraction the tears are still there and he still misses his dad. I don't know how to take his pain away. I try so hard to put on the brave face, smile, and tell him it will all be okay. How do I convince Monkey when I have yet to convince myself.

It's not that I haven't known he missed M. We went months in the beginning where he asked and ran to the front window every time he heard a car drive by. That little face would press up against the glass and he would look so disappointed that it was not him. Since then, Monkey simply says "Daddy, bye, bye" and goes on. Tonight was different. He was beside himself crying. Nothing I did was right and it is perfectly okay for him to be upset. Hell, I am an emotional wreck at times. It is allowed.

How do you help a 2 year old process this? I am soon to be 30 and cannot process it. How do I explain this? How do I mend his broken heart when I can't mend my own?

_______________________________________

I will wake up in the morning tomorrow and be 30. That is a slap in the face. Your twenties are supposed to be great and mine have kind of sucked, minus getting my boys. I think I am going to give my 20's the finger and try to see 30 as a do over. If I don't look at it that way it is just depressing.

So, Happy Birthday to me! 30 has got to be better. I am going blow out my candles, eat my cake, drink a beer, and welcome a new year and a new start.

It is Official!

It is mine. It is dirty, dark, and smells kind of funny. It is my blank canvas in which to create my safe haven. I signed on the dotted line (or like ten of them) and I am officially a homeowner. I did it all by myself. Granted signing the papers is the easy part, now I have to work and make the payments. Each month when I write that check, I will know I have survived. I will know that I have succeeded at giving Monkey a loving home.

In a few months and after lots of sweat (probably some tears), this ugly house will be transformed into my home. I tore out the carpets immediately to see what the wood floors held beneath. Besides a few blemishes, they will be beautiful after some tender loving care. They are worn and tired, but with some stain and polish they will shine again.

This house is a new start. I am hoping as I find it's secrets and all it has to offer. Just maybe I will find myself along the way. I know just how she feels. Years of wear and tear can take it out of you and make you look a little rough around the edges. With a little love and attention, a transformation can happen. Wipe away the dust and just maybe the beauty will shine though.