I wear it like too tight wool sweater on a 90 degree day. It makes me divert my eyes when someone asks how I am. It is the way I avoid having to explain my current situation by never mentioning my personal life. It is a 10,000 lb weight that I can't seem to put down.
The shame is tinged with grief. My grief is mine, guarded as if I protect it I will always carry my dear son with me. The shame though, I wish it would get the hell out of here. I didn't do this. I didn't disgrace my family. I didn't put my son last and act like a coward.
I want to hold my head high. I tried when there was nothing left to try for. I stood by Monkey when I thought there may be no more to give. I learned there is always more for your baby even when you think you can do no more. I survived. Don't I get to hold my head up for that? I survived watching my son suffer for 90 days, dying, and having my family torn apart by the one person I trusted the most. I am still here. Doesn't that count for anything?
Why does he not carry the shame? A baby shower for a child conceived out of lies and deception? Does no one seem to think that maybe it is inappropriate considering his marriage is barely over? Apparently, his remaining friends and ignorant family can let all of it go and celebrate his acts of abandonment and immorality. I know the baby will be no matter what, but to flaunt such a horrible transgression against those who loved and supported you? To carry no shame over the "mistakes" you have made? It is as disgusting as he is. I am so sorry that he is Monkey and Noah's father. They deserved so much more than him.
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9 comments:
you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. you are a good mother and that counts more than anything. as much as it hurts, just dont look at them. what goes around comes around. one day he will get his. hopefully sooner rather than later.
I feel your pain, hon... I remember my numb shock at seeing how some of my so-called "friends" settled out. It was all about "choices", you see, not basic morality - & who were they to judge Ex?!?
Easy for them to follow the path of least resistance & of course it would have been petty, vindictive, counterproductive to "moving on", achieving "closure" or whatever in the hell pop-psychology term you wanted to apply - if I had attempted to confuse them w/the facts: that I had been systematically terrorized & abused for many years, then Ex took a sadistic, no-holds-barred scorched-earth policy during our breakup...
Ah well, all that is ancient history now (nevertheless preserved intact in my memory like fossils in amber) - trust me, things will get better!
P.S. Yes, many helpful souls tried to console me w/the "he'll get his in the end" sentiment... All I can say is, I've quit holding my breath!
"Living well is the best revenge"
[Insert other meaningful platitude here]
SHAME ON HIM, SHAME ON HIM, SHAME ON HIM!!!!!
You are a fantastic mother and woman. Be proud, you did not do it. I understand how yoy feel, I I carry these feelings with me as well. HUGS
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Let him live in his parents’ house while you live in your new home. Creating a loving family for you and your son. Your living well is the best revenge. Let him live his life, you live yours and in time things will get better for you. All this is too much for anyone to deal with but you're doing it well. Very well. There will come a point where you can detach yourself from him and the pain he's caused. This is your life now and you can take control, you know?
I'm half wondering if they're not going overboard trying to cover the shame. Trying to legitimize and validate everything they know is fundamentally, horribly wrong. I think they do know, and hope this charade is working to disguise it, and they're not fooling anybody.
You, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed with. Shame and guilt often go hand in hand, and I wish I could erase them both for you. I hope you can start to let it go, though I know that's easier said than done and takes an awful lot of time.
Keep holding your head up. That way you can at least see where you're going.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.
I hope at some point soon you can hold your head up with pride for all you're doing for your boys. You are such a strong woman, such an amazing mom.
Thinking of you.
Good grief,what is going on with these people? His father the pastor should be delivering a sermon on the sin of adultery and pointing directly at them!!!
And living with his parents? I love visiting my in-laws, but after 3 days with them I desperately want to go home to my own kitchen, bathroom, bed -- that woman must be realizing what a loser she is now.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, you are the only one acting with integrity in this dismal picture.
Oh funny -- my word verification is "justice"
He deserves every plague of horror that could possibly be brought down on him.
I just urge you caution with your anger. Today's climate has become very pro father. There are all sorts of legal groups that LOVE love love to help fathers take children away from mothers. for all sorts of reasons. Not to say that you should not express your feelings here, vent here, express whatever thoughts you have here. But be aware , that if the bastard ever gets tired of paying child support (or gets a suggestion that he could stop paying child support so that he has money for his new family). anything and everything you say here could be used as evidence. If it were ever suggested that the feelings you express here were shared around, within earhot or directly to your son.... that you used your anger and bad words to attempt to "alienate" your son from his father, a court could determine that you were attempting to interfere with his parental relationship. It happens, all the time. Fathers get custody despite being lying, cheating, immoral bastards.
Be careful. Please.
From someone who knows.
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