Grief

Grief. Is it a part of me or just an emotion that I feel? Will I carry it around like a ten thousand pound weight for the rest of my life or will its weight lighten as time passes? Who am I? I thought I used to know. Now I am a mother or more like 1/2 a mother. I only have 1/2 of my children. Am I still the mother of twins or the mother of a toddler and his dead brother? What do people see when they look at me? Am I broken or have I got it together? I have found since Noah died people seem very uncomfortable and intimidated by my grief. They can't find words to say, so they say nothing. I have learned that I don't need many people to survive. My husband is gone and he is the only one who ever understood my sorrow. I read of others pain, but it is not of any comfort. They did not lose Noah.

Healthy, Screaming Babies

Babies are everywhere. Healthy, living, breathing, kicking, screaming babies. Oh, did I mention their blissfully happy parents? I tell myself "It's not their fault, you are jealous of their happiness". Maybe I am. Does that make me such a horrible person? All I ever wanted was two healthy, living, breathing babies. I have one. Maybe I should just shut up and be grateful for what I have.

My twin niece and nephew were born today. They are beautiful and healthy. I am glad I drug myself to the hospital to look at them in their newborn beauty. Their parents are so lucky and don't even know it. They are actually being a bit shitty towards the rest of the family who wants only to love these two small wonders. Ava and Max...May they grow up healthy and happy.

I am officially medicated (ok almost). I haven't actually taken the pills yet, but they are in my possession. I went to the doctor today because I have been having horrible stomach pains. He suspects my gallbladder. Great, one more fun thing to deal with. I may have mentioned that I was losing my mind. He didn't quite understand at first. Losing Noah, my sanity, and my husband has finally caught up to me. He asked if I was depressed. Honestly, if I wasn't would I be crazy then? How much can one person really take before losing it? He wants me to take Lexapro. I will try it. What do I have to lose? I don't really think a pill is going to make me handle losing my son and watching my marriage disintegrate any better, but hey, what the hell? (After writing this, I realize maybe some anger therapy is in order).

Tomorrow...I will be happy. I will think happy thoughts. Maybe a day at the water park is in order with Monkey. It seems to always make him happy.

Irony

Tomorrow is one more glaring reminder that I have one, not two. Tomorrow my sister in law is scheduled to give birth to two healthy babies. God does have one sick, twisted sense of humor. Don't get me wrong, I pray they are healthy and get here safely. I can't bear to have one more lost or sick baby. Right now, it feels as if they will forever be a constant reminder of my boys and what I am missing. It is hard enough to see Monkey reach milestones and know there should be two. They will be live kicking, screaming twins. I wish them the best and I will love my new niece and nephew will all my heart, but will always be a little sad when I look at them.

I miss Noah. I miss my little, squishy faced turtle.

I miss him so much there is a hole in my heart.

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Monkey has been sick for 4 days. We spent Monday night in the ER with a fever of 105. They gave him Motrin and sent him home. I paid how much for that?? I could have given him Motrin. Anyways, he is now getting better and his fever just broke this morning. Poor baby.

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My DH is still avoiding me. How much longer can I wait for him to decide he wants this marriage? Do I even care anymore? Yes, I care I tell myself during the day that I don't need him so I can function, but in the dark of night, I know I love and need him. I am tired and sad. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being exhausted everyday from caring for Monkey, carrying this grief, and worrying about him. I love him, but this is no way to live. He has been officially out of the house for 2 months now. I know he misses Noah too, but we should be dealing with this together. I am just not sure how to fix all that is wrong. So many things said in anger and hurt. They can't be taken back. I feel he has abandoned me when I needed him the most.