Irony

Tomorrow is one more glaring reminder that I have one, not two. Tomorrow my sister in law is scheduled to give birth to two healthy babies. God does have one sick, twisted sense of humor. Don't get me wrong, I pray they are healthy and get here safely. I can't bear to have one more lost or sick baby. Right now, it feels as if they will forever be a constant reminder of my boys and what I am missing. It is hard enough to see Monkey reach milestones and know there should be two. They will be live kicking, screaming twins. I wish them the best and I will love my new niece and nephew will all my heart, but will always be a little sad when I look at them.

I miss Noah. I miss my little, squishy faced turtle.

I miss him so much there is a hole in my heart.

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Monkey has been sick for 4 days. We spent Monday night in the ER with a fever of 105. They gave him Motrin and sent him home. I paid how much for that?? I could have given him Motrin. Anyways, he is now getting better and his fever just broke this morning. Poor baby.

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My DH is still avoiding me. How much longer can I wait for him to decide he wants this marriage? Do I even care anymore? Yes, I care I tell myself during the day that I don't need him so I can function, but in the dark of night, I know I love and need him. I am tired and sad. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being exhausted everyday from caring for Monkey, carrying this grief, and worrying about him. I love him, but this is no way to live. He has been officially out of the house for 2 months now. I know he misses Noah too, but we should be dealing with this together. I am just not sure how to fix all that is wrong. So many things said in anger and hurt. They can't be taken back. I feel he has abandoned me when I needed him the most.