Enough

I'm done. I am just freaking done. I am tired and sick of worrying about how all of this will go. The last few weeks have sucked in ways I can't begin to explain. I just need to purge. It's not pretty, but I just need to empty my mind.

Monkey being sick. Work is so busy I can't think. M welcomed his 2nd living, breathing, healthy child without me. I am alone. I am so scared of being alone forever and more scared of letting someone in to hurt me all over again. I don't think I can live through any of it again.

I haven't been sleeping very well. I can't shut off my mind. It's like I take one step forward only to move back 5 more. Right now it feels like it will never be okay. I love Monkey and am so grateful for him, but I am not happy. I lay in bed crying the other night only to realize that Monkey, who I thought was sleeping soundly, was watching me, patting my back, telling me it is okay. How wrong is that? I feel like I am failing in every area of my life. I am trying so hard to hold it all together, make a living, and be supermom all at once. The pressure of it all is sinking me. I feel like I am going to crack. I try to hold it all together until he is asleep. I even failed at that.

I am so selfish sitting her wallowing in my own pity. I have it better than so many others and yet I can't shut up and just be happy. I just feel so broken. Losing Noah took away any confidence I had and M leaving without even looking back just finished it all off. It is weird because I don't miss him, but I miss the security of having another human being to lean on and just talk to. Now it is my job alone to figure out how to make my son better, to work and be with him at the same time, and show him a better life. I can't do it all alone and I don't even know how or what to ask for help with.

I think I have stumbled on a new grief. What if I never hold another baby in arms? I long for a child, but I long more for a family. I know Monkey and I are a family, but it feels broken and like so much is missing. I don't even know how to meet anyone. I don't know how to let anyone into my fucked up world. I can't even answer the question to how many children I have. That alone is enough to send someone running. The one person who really tried to get to know me has given up I think. I pushed him away and second guessed his intentions until he just got tired of trying. I think of calling him and telling him that maybe we could give it a chance, but I am too scared of rejection and of actually having to follow through.

I am trying to move past being perfect and what my idea of perfect was. I thought a perfect family was two parents and lots of kids. Maybe a mom, a Monkey, and an angel will have to be enough. Maybe that is perfect for us. All I want is to make peace with what is and figure out how move forward. I know I need to be happy in order for Monkey to thrive, but it is just so much harder than I thought. Right now, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy what I have. I want to be able to breathe again.

Sick Again

I wish I had more time to write. Purging my thoughts seems to help me focus. When I get it out, I can sleep and shut off the running commentary in my head. To say the least, life is a little overwhelming right now.

Monkey has been sick since before Thanksgiving. It started as a cough and landed us in the hospital the week before Christmas. We treated it as a sinus infection to begin with. We figured it was just another round of the usual. For a week, it bothered me that he didn't seem better even with the antibiotics. My daycare called one day after Monkey's nap and said he just didn't look right. I took him straight to our pediatrician and I knew on the way that we just got us a trip to the local hospital. Sure enough, he had pneumonia in one lung and after three days of steroids and antibiotics, he still had a raging sinus infection. Monkey had a follow up CT last Friday and after a month of antibiotics, he STILL has an infection. When the nurse called with the results, I just cried. I am so frustrated. It is NOT normal to keep an infection after being treated for that long. He is beginning to ooze something, so I guess it is time for the stronger meds the doctor suggested. I will call tomorrow and hope his little tummy can take the meds.

I have been researching immune deficiencies online. There is so much info and Monkey seems to fit the description of a selective immune deficiency. Monkey has an appointment with a new immunologist next month. I hate waiting. He could really get sick in the next month. I am guessing we will keep him on an antibiotic until we go. I know it sounds wrong, but I kind of hope they find something. I am ready for a game plan and some other way to treat him. This is the third winter of this. I am tired of the same routine. We do the test, get the Pneumovax shot, and we wait. Well, we have had two shots and it is still the same. Monkey can't get anymore shots, so it is time to really find out why he can't maintain his antibodies. I am scared to know, but I don't want him to have to be sick all of the time. It broke my heart to watch him lay in the CT machine and not even shed a tear. He was brave and damn it, he shouldn't have to be. He is 4. He should be happy and full of energy, not tired and sick.