It has been three years and I miss you as much as I did the day you left us. I know you are whole and healthy dancing in heaven. Monkey and I know you are watching out for us and sending us your love. We hope you know how much we love you.
Monkey told me today that you are an angel now and that you blew away. I think he meant that you flew away, but he understands you are in heaven. He loves you and I know he can feel you in his heart. Please continue to bless him and protect your sweet, big brother.
I pray for sweet dreams of you tonight.
I miss you my sweet Noah.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Today
Right now I would have been sitting in the ER trying to explain to an incompetent nurse that he always desats when you move him. Why could she not understand what I needed? I just needed her to get us a room, a doctor, and some antibiotics. I was sure that would fix the problem. Never mind the central apnea and CPR. I can live with that...just keep my baby alive. I would do my part if they would just get him what I needed.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....
Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.
My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.
I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Two Days
Today I dressed him in a special t-shirt to surprise his dear Aunt upon her arrival to see him. He had a cold, but didn't seem much worse than the day before. The boys played in the jungle gym and we all just visited and held them. Why didn't I know that I only had one day left? I can't remember anything else from that day. Why can't I remember?
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.
I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.
I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.
Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.
Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Things have been crazy around here. It seems there is something going on everyday and it seems Christmas will be before I have even begun to be ready. That could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Monkey is loving the tree and twinkling lights. It is so fun to watch him delight in the magic the holiday holds when you are little. I am trying to learn to love this once beloved holiday. I am trying to embrace my grief, the approaching anniversary, and the awe on Monkey's face. He deserves the same magical experience I remember as a child.
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?
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