Things have been crazy around here. It seems there is something going on everyday and it seems Christmas will be before I have even begun to be ready. That could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Monkey is loving the tree and twinkling lights. It is so fun to watch him delight in the magic the holiday holds when you are little. I am trying to learn to love this once beloved holiday. I am trying to embrace my grief, the approaching anniversary, and the awe on Monkey's face. He deserves the same magical experience I remember as a child.

Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?