Relief

I want to feel something, anything than this weight I carry. I am tired. I want to stand in the sunshine and feel its warmth on my face. I want to feel free and happy just for a few moments. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I just need some relief from this never ending sadness and loneliness.

I don't know how to reach out to those around me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. I feel weak and ashamed. My life is a disaster and on the outside it looks as if I am picking up the pieces, but the inside is a gutted mess. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore. I don't know anything but sadness and survival. They talk about the usual random things and I have to resist the urge to scream out that my son is dead and my husband is a cheating bastard. They don't want to know and let's be real, it is humiliating to admit that I wasn't worth more than his two dollar whore. They don't understand the depths of my grief and anger. They can't see the little moments of hope. It is all there behind my forced smile that is trying to hide that fact that I am horribly uncomfortable. What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to know that it is okay that I cringe every time Monkey asks me if his "Daddy is picking him up". He is but a baby and doesn't know of his father's true nature. He loves him and so desperately wants his love. I want my baby to be happy, but I really hate his father. I bite my lip and tell him yes or no. I always acknowledge, but my insides are screaming profanity laced words. It stings to hear him speak of the man who chose to sleep around with his "girlfriend" while Monkey was so ill and needed him. I can't forget that and never will. M has totally let go of any guilt he feels towards his son. I guess that lets him sleep at night. I feel that I am the bad person, that I have done something wrong. I did what I was supposed to. When do I quit paying the price for his choices? I tried with all my might to do what was best for Monkey. When does this fucking nightmare get better?

I never realized being alone is so exhausting. I just want to be held. To feel that safety of knowing that someone loves you and thinks you are worth something. I feel like a worthless failure. I know that I have to find me in all of this. I have to love me in order to take the best care of Monkey I can. I am trying, but I still can't shake this. I can't let it go. My heart is broken and I am not sure there is anyway to repair it. Maybe I will always be broken and alone. Maybe it is that I need to make peace with. Maybe this is all I get. How do I learn to be happy and content when so much is missing? I love Monkey with all of heart and he does make me happy, but the void is always there. The little voice telling me that so many things are missing is always whispering in my ear. Even in the brief moments of happiness, it creeps in and steals away a piece of the moment.

Random Thoughts

Life has gotten crazy around here. Moving is hard work. I really forgot how much I hate unpacking. In my state of hatred and disgust, I must have taken everything in our house just so he couldn't have it. Bad choice. I have discovered, I don't want it. None of it. I don't want anything in this house to remind me of him. I hear EBay calling my name or maybe just a huge garage sale this spring. May as well make some money off these bad memories.

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I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.

I miss him.

Why can't I feel him anymore?

Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.

I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.

I love you Noah.