Life has gotten crazy around here. Moving is hard work. I really forgot how much I hate unpacking. In my state of hatred and disgust, I must have taken everything in our house just so he couldn't have it. Bad choice. I have discovered, I don't want it. None of it. I don't want anything in this house to remind me of him. I hear EBay calling my name or maybe just a huge garage sale this spring. May as well make some money off these bad memories.
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I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.
I miss him.
Why can't I feel him anymore?
Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.
I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.
I love you Noah.
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5 comments:
Thinking of you and your two sweet boys.
About six months, or maybe a year after our loss, I found my arms aching. (I know that usually happens sooner, but I'm a late bloomer.) I wished that we had buried the boys instead of cremating them. I never even dreamed of them. I wanted something to hold on to.
I've been thinking about you, and your boys, too. Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Good to hear from you. When I moved I left almpst everything behind, it was hard but it felt good. I too wish you peace and strengh. HUGS
Sometimes I feel bad when it seems as though I'm drawing emotional support from my boy (instead of vice versa) - but it's truly breaktaking & amazing to see his protectiveness & fierce devotion!
Packing is one of those things where you feel like you work for hours and hours and make so much progress! And then turn around and realize the stack is pretty much just as big (or did it multiply while you were out of the room?). Sigh.
I'm a big believer if you don't know where to put the contents of a box, just put the whole damn box in storage and forget it for a while.
Thinking of Noah with you.
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