Laughter

Today I spent my lunch hour doing some last minute birthday shopping for Monkey. I can't believe my baby is going to be 3. It blows my mind to think of how the time has passed. It has been hard, but I never could have imagined how much I love that little boy.

My phone rang breaking my thoughts of choo choo train cakes and Tonka trucks. I didn't recognize the number, which normally would lead me to silence the ringer and let it go to voice mail. For some reason, I answered. It was the pastor from the church M and I attempted to attend at the end of our crumbling marriage. He wanted to invite us to join a couple's group. I am pretty sure God has a twisted sense of humor. He caught me off guard and I just blurted out that we were divorced. There was a short silence, but he recovered pretty quickly and asked if I was okay. I gave my standard answer of people make bad decisions, which is universal for my husband is a cheating bastard. He understood immediately and even asked about it without flinching. Did I cry? No, I laughed. He must think I am an insane woman. I laughed because if I didn't I was sure I would lose it in the middle of that store and I refuse to let M have that kind of power over me.

I actually enjoyed the conversation. He invited me back to church and to meet with me if I wanted. The idea is somewhat intriguing as I find myself at a crossroads with my faith. I must believe as I know one day I will be reunited with my sweet Noah, but I don't understand why my children and myself must suffer so much. Maybe instead of the sick sense of humor, this was God's way of leading me back? I guess I believe in signs. I just don't seem to stop long enough to see them. When things settle down, it is on my list. Maybe I will find my faith and just a little bit of peace.

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I took Monkey today for what was supposed to be an eye exam with our EI services, but instead turned out to be just a lot of waiting. The appt was rescheduled after we waited for quite some time. During this time, a woman and her little girl sat down next to us. I was glued to that little girl. I couldn't quit staring, imagining. She is a twin. She wasn't supposed to survive until birth. She is a few months younger than Noah and Monkey. She like Noah has hydrocephalus and many other issues. All I could see was what could have been if I had been able to keep him alive just awhile longer. She was playing with her Mama and had just learned to crawl. It took all of my power to not say something to her Mom or not to break out in tears. If I could have kept him here, I would have fought like hell to give him a good life. I know that was not in the cards for us, but I still look at her in amazement and wonder what it would have been like.

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Tomorrow is the day. At 8:02 and 8:03, my life changed. At that moment I felt true love for the first time in my life. I knew my purpose. I was to love and mother those beautiful boys. Birthdays are so bittersweet. Monkey and I spending the day just him and I. We will have his beloved "cake cakes" for breakfast, play in the park, and visit his sweet little brother. I know a tear or two will fall, but it is okay as Monkey and I will laugh together as we remember Noah. Noah is in heaven, whole and happy. He is looking down on us and I hope he is smiling and proud of Monkey and I. I hope he knows I carry him in my heart and always will. I can't believe it has been three years.