I'm so lost these days. I am torn between my old life I miss and trying to find some meaning in this new one. I know I can make the choice to make my situation different, yet I can't shake the anger, sadness, and fear. I am trying with all my might to make a life for Monkey and I, but I just can't seem to let it all go. I can't accept that Monkey will grow up like this. I don't understand how this happened. I went to bed one night a happy pregnant girl and woke up a broken, grief stricken old woman.
During the day when I am busy, I think I can do this. Then I am all alone and the truth of it all begins to creep in. How did he just walk away and give up so easily? Why move us from our home and tell me he wanted another baby to just walk away a month later? It seems like I should have come to terms with all of this by now. Hell, he is at home rocking his new son. That should have been my son, not hers. How did I not know he hated me? Was I so wrapped up in my grief and Monkey that I couldn't see it. I trusted him. I believed in him. He took what was left of my faith and ripped it to pieces. How did he do this to me and to Monkey?
I think I am grieving for Monkey. This is not the life I dreamed of for him. I know I can't undo what has happened, but I am not sure how to make it okay either. I hate M for taking my living son from me. I know that he is mine most of the time, but I didn't choose to not have him with me. M walked away from him. Why does he and his new "girlfriend" get to have him at all? They could have cared less how this affected Monkey while they were making their "mistakes". She is a gold digging whore. She could give a shit less about my son. How can he let her be around him? It is making me crazy. I can't shake the thoughts of them playing house and pretending like what they have done is okay. I don't know how to accept that she will soon be a part of Monkey's life. How do I accept that? She destroyed his family (along with M). It seems like the courts give her a right to be with him over my right as his mother to protect him. It is all so fucked up.
I can't sleep at night. I wake up in the darkness after dreams of him and her. It's like I can't turn the thoughts off. I don't know how to recover from this betrayal and loss. I am treading water with all of my might, but I can't make sense of losing my son and then my family. I just can't find the meaning to my life. I get up each morning and try desperately to show Monkey that we will be fine. I play with him, love him, and try to enjoy each moment but those horrible feelings keep creeping in. Will I ever feel happy again? I am afraid I don't know how. They were my life and now it is gone. Monkey is my life now and what if I am failing? What if he leaves me in the end too?
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9 comments:
I have no words of advice, I just wanted you to know I read, and I cared.
All you can do is love him with all that you have. Right now, that is the most important thing. The playing with him, tucking him in... In time, you will find your way on this road. It's not fair and it's hard, but you will find the way.
I wish I had more I could say, too, but all I can do is grieve along with you and be here reading. It is not easy. I hope this outlet is good for you, and I hope you have other places you can rest. Take care of yourself.
Monkey is better off not being fulltime with a man who can act as M has and be as M is. Monkey will survive and be just fine with you. A study came out today that single parents do just fine raising children.
Monkey will know M for what he is someday. You will love Monkey and be there when he realizes his father is a weak man. And Monkey will love you all the more for it.
M left you and Monkey because he couldn't handle being a grownup in the situation you guys were in. He thought he'd regain his youth with a partier and instead has ended up with another child and more responsibility. You may think that child should be yours, but I bet you he believes the new baby shouldn't be his.
I know this, because I was raised by a single parent. My dad walked away from seven of us 12 to 2 years old. Remarried within six months. Had a baby and the kids made him "uncomfortable" so he walked away from us.
We had a great childhood and wonderful memories with our mom (who did remarry a wonderful man and have two more babies). It was our father's loss. My siblings and I are pretty cool people and biodad missed out on it. And he knew it.
Love Monkey. Live YOUR life. I'm sorry for all of this, but you are strong and full of love and will survive and thrive.
I am asking similar questions, trying to find the meaning for this new life of mine. It is hard, so unfair... it sucks. We can only keep on trying. HUGS
I agree with the anonymous comment above. Monkey will know M for what he is one of these days.
I don't know how or why he hurt you and Monkey so badly. I can't understand how he could.
I guess that you can't undo things or make them okay but you can love Monkey. I'm sure he knows how much you love him. You aren't failing him, I'm certain of that. xo
My heart goes out to you.
Forgive me for being intrusive, but are you seeing anybody for counseling at the moment? You're grieving for so much... for Noah, for your marriage, for what might have been, and that's totally normal and okay. Still, it seems like a professional who specializes in grief issues might be able to give you some tools to make it day-to-day.
I get the impression that your experience with marriage counselors wasn't so great, but this is about you and only you *wanting* to go on for Monkey, not like where M was actively sabotaging the very thing you were working toward. And if the first counselor doesn't click, it's okay to switch and try again--and again, and again, if necessary, until you find somebody who can give you what you need.
I wish you healing. Scars, yes, you'll always have those and some days they hurt like hell, but enough healing to keep you going and seeing the sunshine. Good luck.
I wish I could regale you w/a heartwarming tale that it will all work out for the best, but my own scars are far from healed...
What I cling to is the fact that my son loves me w/an awe-inspiring intensity; I know it can't last forever - in a few short years he'll be a teenager & discover GIRLS, for God's sake! but I will never ever forget it; it makes life worth living and there again, his father is the big loser for walking out on us. Z has recognized him for the empty suit that he is since he was 3 yrs old...
you have already overcome so many of the things you thought you couldn't do...you will look back on these times someday and realize that you DID get through them because Monkey is your light.
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