Enough

I'm done. I am just freaking done. I am tired and sick of worrying about how all of this will go. The last few weeks have sucked in ways I can't begin to explain. I just need to purge. It's not pretty, but I just need to empty my mind.

Monkey being sick. Work is so busy I can't think. M welcomed his 2nd living, breathing, healthy child without me. I am alone. I am so scared of being alone forever and more scared of letting someone in to hurt me all over again. I don't think I can live through any of it again.

I haven't been sleeping very well. I can't shut off my mind. It's like I take one step forward only to move back 5 more. Right now it feels like it will never be okay. I love Monkey and am so grateful for him, but I am not happy. I lay in bed crying the other night only to realize that Monkey, who I thought was sleeping soundly, was watching me, patting my back, telling me it is okay. How wrong is that? I feel like I am failing in every area of my life. I am trying so hard to hold it all together, make a living, and be supermom all at once. The pressure of it all is sinking me. I feel like I am going to crack. I try to hold it all together until he is asleep. I even failed at that.

I am so selfish sitting her wallowing in my own pity. I have it better than so many others and yet I can't shut up and just be happy. I just feel so broken. Losing Noah took away any confidence I had and M leaving without even looking back just finished it all off. It is weird because I don't miss him, but I miss the security of having another human being to lean on and just talk to. Now it is my job alone to figure out how to make my son better, to work and be with him at the same time, and show him a better life. I can't do it all alone and I don't even know how or what to ask for help with.

I think I have stumbled on a new grief. What if I never hold another baby in arms? I long for a child, but I long more for a family. I know Monkey and I are a family, but it feels broken and like so much is missing. I don't even know how to meet anyone. I don't know how to let anyone into my fucked up world. I can't even answer the question to how many children I have. That alone is enough to send someone running. The one person who really tried to get to know me has given up I think. I pushed him away and second guessed his intentions until he just got tired of trying. I think of calling him and telling him that maybe we could give it a chance, but I am too scared of rejection and of actually having to follow through.

I am trying to move past being perfect and what my idea of perfect was. I thought a perfect family was two parents and lots of kids. Maybe a mom, a Monkey, and an angel will have to be enough. Maybe that is perfect for us. All I want is to make peace with what is and figure out how move forward. I know I need to be happy in order for Monkey to thrive, but it is just so much harder than I thought. Right now, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy what I have. I want to be able to breathe again.

Random Thoughts

Life has gotten crazy around here. Moving is hard work. I really forgot how much I hate unpacking. In my state of hatred and disgust, I must have taken everything in our house just so he couldn't have it. Bad choice. I have discovered, I don't want it. None of it. I don't want anything in this house to remind me of him. I hear EBay calling my name or maybe just a huge garage sale this spring. May as well make some money off these bad memories.

___________________________________________

I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.

I miss him.

Why can't I feel him anymore?

Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.

I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.

I love you Noah.

Lost

I'm so lost these days. I am torn between my old life I miss and trying to find some meaning in this new one. I know I can make the choice to make my situation different, yet I can't shake the anger, sadness, and fear. I am trying with all my might to make a life for Monkey and I, but I just can't seem to let it all go. I can't accept that Monkey will grow up like this. I don't understand how this happened. I went to bed one night a happy pregnant girl and woke up a broken, grief stricken old woman.

During the day when I am busy, I think I can do this. Then I am all alone and the truth of it all begins to creep in. How did he just walk away and give up so easily? Why move us from our home and tell me he wanted another baby to just walk away a month later? It seems like I should have come to terms with all of this by now. Hell, he is at home rocking his new son. That should have been my son, not hers. How did I not know he hated me? Was I so wrapped up in my grief and Monkey that I couldn't see it. I trusted him. I believed in him. He took what was left of my faith and ripped it to pieces. How did he do this to me and to Monkey?

I think I am grieving for Monkey. This is not the life I dreamed of for him. I know I can't undo what has happened, but I am not sure how to make it okay either. I hate M for taking my living son from me. I know that he is mine most of the time, but I didn't choose to not have him with me. M walked away from him. Why does he and his new "girlfriend" get to have him at all? They could have cared less how this affected Monkey while they were making their "mistakes". She is a gold digging whore. She could give a shit less about my son. How can he let her be around him? It is making me crazy. I can't shake the thoughts of them playing house and pretending like what they have done is okay. I don't know how to accept that she will soon be a part of Monkey's life. How do I accept that? She destroyed his family (along with M). It seems like the courts give her a right to be with him over my right as his mother to protect him. It is all so fucked up.

I can't sleep at night. I wake up in the darkness after dreams of him and her. It's like I can't turn the thoughts off. I don't know how to recover from this betrayal and loss. I am treading water with all of my might, but I can't make sense of losing my son and then my family. I just can't find the meaning to my life. I get up each morning and try desperately to show Monkey that we will be fine. I play with him, love him, and try to enjoy each moment but those horrible feelings keep creeping in. Will I ever feel happy again? I am afraid I don't know how. They were my life and now it is gone. Monkey is my life now and what if I am failing? What if he leaves me in the end too?

I just didn't really believe it would happen

I spent months waiting, crying, and praying that life as I knew it wasn't coming to an end. I held onto Monkey and the memories of my life with my best friend. I knew I was losing my grasp as each day pasted and nothing happened.

The truth is if he had wanted to work it out, we would have soon after he left for his "weekend" away. He was done and yet wasn't man enough to just tell me. Instead he moved us from our home and told me he wanted a baby. The one thing I had dreamed of since my boys were born. He knew what he was doing, yet I held onto hope that it was all a bad dream. I believed he loved me. I believed he would come home.

I sit here today still in disbelief that this has happened. He is gone. He has a new family now. One built on deceit and infidelity. There is a new baby tonight who is in the NICU and I find myself taken back to that little dark room with Noah. Holding onto my newborn son praying that he would live. His new son will be okay. Mine is not. Mine is gone. It may be a hint of jealousy, but more it just brought new waves of grief to knock me down. He realized my dreams, just with someone else.

All I can do is hold onto Monkey and pray to a God who hasn't pulled through so much for me that our lives will get better. I pray that the hole in my heart will at least heal over enough to make this pain bearable. I miss my son, my life, and even the person who tore it all apart. I am living for Monkey because he deserves the world. I will give it to him.

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…"I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Can it just be the tiny voice left inside of me, telling me to get out of bed? Is it the same little voice who fights through the tears and hopelessness to get dressed, get Monkey ready, and make it to work?

It has been a long few days. I can't say that anything has happened to make them so bad. I think it is just part of the process. I think it is the dread of what is to come. It seems I would be an expert in this thing called grief. I should know to expect the good days mixed in with the bad. I forgot how bad the bad ones are.

There has been a shift. I can fall asleep now, but now I wake up about 5:30 am from the most horrible dreams of being told I am not wanted and unloved. I begin thinking about my old life and how safe it felt to wake up with my best friend beside me. Now I wake up with the tape running in my head of how shitty this all is. I remember that I have to face another day alone and that it is one more day stuck in this nightmare that is my life.

I am sorry for ranting about this. I am even tired of my own thoughts and of being so sad. I don't even want to hear this story anymore. I feel like that person who refuses to move on. I am trying, but I am failing miserably. I tell myself each day that I am going through these motions in order to build my new life. It just seems to be happening so slowly.

I left for lunch today having avoided tears at lease a handful of times. Once I got in my car, the dam broke and I couldn't stop it. I haven't cried like that in a long time. I cried for my loneliness, my heartbreak, and my lost son. I want to be happy, but it just feels so out of reach. I actually wonder if I remember what it feels like to be happy.

I am praying that the quiet voice can become a roar and I will find my footing. I hope to find some inner peace that will guide my actions and help me make the right choices. So much is riding on how I make my way out of this. When I think of courage, I think of the strong, stoic hero. I am just asking for the courage to handle this with grace and be a person that my sons will be proud of. I don't need to be a hero. I just need to survive these moments when all seems lost. My courage may have failed me today, but I will try again tomorrow...

I Need To Say It

or maybe scream it.

My baby is dead.

I need to talk about him. I need to say his name and share his story. I need to just be able to make him real. I want to feel him on my chest and smell his baby smell. I need him and his strength.

I feel like my grief for Noah got put on the back burner while I dealt with M and my dissolving marriage. I couldn't handle both. I couldn't feel that much grief and survive. It is still here. I find it is starting to creep in to all of my thoughts again. I caught myself talking about him today and I know that I just needed to say his name out loud. I needed him to exist today. I don't know that it even mattered to me if anyone listened. I justed needed to say it.

I hold enough grief to last a lifetime plus a few more. I don't want to be the victim and say why me, but why me? Why my son and then my marriage? How is this my life? How do I move on when I have lost so much? When does the pain subside?

The last few weeks have been unbearable. I put on my fake smile for the day, but I am exhausted from all of this effort and the raging insomnia. I just want to lie down to sleep and actually sleep. I can't take the horrible images of losing Noah and my cheating ex-husband. I know it is all part of the process, but I have to function. I have no choice, but to get up each morning, take care of Monkey, and go to work. I can't do that and fall apart at the same time.

The weight of carrying this is crushing me. I don't remember how it feels to be happy and relaxed. The tension in my shoulders is permanent. I feel and look like hell. What I really need is someone to just hold me and let me cry. I need to fall apart and not be so damn alone. I miss and crave human touch. I just need that shoulder to lean on. Losing Noah was isolating, but current events have made it that much worse. It is very lonely in dead baby, cheating husband land. I really, really hate it here.

Wishing and hoping for sleep and maybe just a glimmer of happiness.

I gave...

My number to a boy.

What the hell was I thinking?

I feel like I am 15 again. Come to think of it, that was about the last time I did such a thing.

I am so not ready for this. I don't know how. I don't even know what I want.

Really, what was I thinking!?

Transformations

It has been a slow road, but it's coming along. What was once an ugly eyesore is still an ugly eyesore, but the potential has been unlocked. I am beginning to see what it could be. I can see where Monkey and I will cook dinner and cuddle on the couch. I know it must get uglier before it will get better. It is a small house, but perfect for a Mama and a Monkey to live. I am blessed to have a roof over my head (and one that is all mine), a family who supports us no matter what, and a Monkey who tells me he loves me as he falls asleep each night. I know I have had my share of heartache, but I am grateful for the blessings in my life.

This is the wallpaper I took out of the bathroom. For some reason, I had to keep a piece. I am going to put it in a frame and hang it somewhere where no one will notice. It will serve as a reminder of how far I have come. Sometimes there is beauty in what is old and battered. You just have to look beyond the scars and wrinkles to see it. The bathroom is down to the studs. It is all gone. I love watching it all get put back together, all shiny and new.

Tearing out these old walls was the best therapy I have had in some time. Who knew all I needed was hammer, some sweat, and just a few tears to feel a whole lot better?

The kitchen before....

The kitchen now....

What the kitchen will be...

When I first walked into this house I had a feeling it was the one. It is actually the exact same floor plan of the first house I remember as a child. In a way, I knew I was home. Instead of sad memories of my old life, I looked around and remembered the happy moments of my childhood. I could close my eyes and see my family gathered around the dinner table. I could hear the laughter of my siblings and feel the love of my parents. It is just the place to raise Monkey. It will be our home full of love and laughter. In a way, I am coming full circle. I am home again.