I spent months waiting, crying, and praying that life as I knew it wasn't coming to an end. I held onto Monkey and the memories of my life with my best friend. I knew I was losing my grasp as each day pasted and nothing happened.
The truth is if he had wanted to work it out, we would have soon after he left for his "weekend" away. He was done and yet wasn't man enough to just tell me. Instead he moved us from our home and told me he wanted a baby. The one thing I had dreamed of since my boys were born. He knew what he was doing, yet I held onto hope that it was all a bad dream. I believed he loved me. I believed he would come home.
I sit here today still in disbelief that this has happened. He is gone. He has a new family now. One built on deceit and infidelity. There is a new baby tonight who is in the NICU and I find myself taken back to that little dark room with Noah. Holding onto my newborn son praying that he would live. His new son will be okay. Mine is not. Mine is gone. It may be a hint of jealousy, but more it just brought new waves of grief to knock me down. He realized my dreams, just with someone else.
All I can do is hold onto Monkey and pray to a God who hasn't pulled through so much for me that our lives will get better. I pray that the hole in my heart will at least heal over enough to make this pain bearable. I miss my son, my life, and even the person who tore it all apart. I am living for Monkey because he deserves the world. I will give it to him.
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7 comments:
Sending huge, warm hugs...
I came over from LFCA just to say I am thinking of you. I was touched by your story and your strength from the first time I visited your blog.
I promise you, it will get better. I've spent enough time in enough dark places myself that I'm sure those words sound hollow.
But, truly: it will take longer than you want, but it will get better. You're in my thoughts.
What Niobe said...
I know it seems as though they have everything you want, everything you lost. But they don't. They don't remotely. And they'll figure that it too in due time, and like Niobe said, so eventually will you.
It will just suck greatly getting there. Take it easy on you.
I don't know how many times I have surfed back here over the past few days, trying to dredge up the right words to say...
There just aren't any, I'm just gonna sound like a lame-ass freak, no matter what! I am STILL troubled by flashes of rage & impotent nostalgia for what I've been through; years & YEARS after everyone has tried to console me w/the karmic platitudes "what goes around comes around"... Yet all I can see is that my ex has his life arranged exactly as he'd like it (he's semi-retired now, at age 49??!!??), and I continue to struggle down my rocky path. Sorry for cluttering up your comment thread, don't mean to bring you down but maybe it will help to know you're not alone. We're hanging w/ya.
I appreciate all of your support. I have no illusions it will get better any time soon. I have so much to come to terms with and my own demons to battle. Right now, I am only focusing on a few days at a time because my mind won't let me see much further. I made a choice this morning to wake up, smile, and steal a kiss from the sleeping Monkey next to me. In him, I find strength.
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