The "mistake" has arrived. I am pretty sure the news ripped the newly formed scabs off of my heart. The knife turned just a little more in my back.
I knew it was going to happen. It's not like this took me by surprise, yet I still find myself broken and sobbing in front of Noah's grave. I don't know why I think going there will offer some peace. Even there is M's name etched forever on his headstone. It is there screaming at me. Reminding me that I failed as a mother, a friend, and a wife. I can't seem to stop his voice that runs through my head telling me that I am fat and not good enough. I hear him telling me over and over that he doesn't love me.
I am trying so hard to do what is right by Monkey and move on. I just feel stuck. My heart is broken and I feel pretty worthless right now. I am alone and scared to death. I can't do this alone. What if I fail? I have tried so hard to keep my composure and do what was needed. I don't feel any better. I honestly just want to feel happy for just a second. Just to remind me what it was like. I hate being alone. M hated that about me. Guess leaving was a great way to rub that in. I survived and I am proud that I have, but how do I keep this up when my insides are screaming? The hurt never stops and I am tired of willing myself to get up each morning. I sob through my shower and then compose myself and start my day. It is exhausting.
It all just seems so wrong and fucked up right now. I am trying to believe it will get better. It just doesn't feel like it.
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13 comments:
I am so sorry for your pain. All of it.
Oh, I am so very sorry.
You don't deserve any of this.
Even though it feels that way right now -- you are not a failure: not as a woman, a wife and especially not as a mother. You are a wonderful, thoughtful, loving mother.
I know this hurts like a knife, but you are stronger than this. You will get through it. And you will be even stronger.
I'm thinking of you and your boys.
You will not fail. You have been through so much already and things will start to get easier at some point. And you have two wonderful boys who are watching you and one who can stand by you and hold your hand.
I'm sorry that your wounds did not even have time to heal yet. I hope things improve really soon.
Just want to send a huge hug, I get what you mean by feel stuck. It has to ge better, it will get better. I will be praying for you
I'm so sorry.
You have survived and you should be proud. More than proud.
xx
You should be proud of yourself. You've pulled yourself up from the ground and are standing on your own two feet, even when you need to sit down sometimes. It's okay to cry... It's okay to break down... He didnt break you. You are strong- for Noah's memory and for Monkey, who carries Noah with him inside. You can do this. Not just for them but for you too.
You are not a failure.
I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm thinking of you.
I don't mean to do assvice, and I know you've rejected this idea before but...you just sound so much like me and what I went through. When I was told it was post dramatic stress syndrome, I thought that was ridiculous. That was for people who had bombs blow up their platoon, or women or children viciously violated. But I've come to realize that it is also when something happens to you that you Just. Can't. Make. Sense. Of. You try and try and try. You relive it over and over trying to find that one thing that you should have done differently. Or find the one detail you've missed so far that will put it all in perspective. Torturing yourself. I wish I could tell you I'm cured, but therapy just didn't work for me. Now, I just try to recoginize the triggers. Try not to let my brain begin to dwell down that dark path, because it's so so hard to pull back again. I'm getting better at it with time. You're not alone.
So sorry. Please know that you are not alone.
I wish I was there to hold your hand and scream with you. This is all so terrible. I would be crying and screaming and saying the exact same things, I'm sure of it. Best you can do I think is not to bottle it up -- blow it up. Write it here, say it at the gravesite, shout it to the ceiling. You deserve to be pissed and upset, and I am for you.
Know you have support in the computer. Sending you all much love.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. But, please stop trying to rush through grieving. You've lost a lot, and it will take a long time for all to be right with the world. If you feel like you need help, please get some. It sounds like you're doing a fine job, and you are definitely not a failure.
If you want to look at failures, the father of the "mistake" would be a fine place to start. He couldn't stand the stress and bailed. That's failure. Crying in the shower and then composing yourself for the day is strength and success. You are facing your challenges, and little by little, overcoming them.
I am sorry you hurt. I know it's to be expected, but it surely becomes unbearable at times. You are not alone. We are here. I will pray and hope you find a little respite from your pain soon.
I really don't know what you've been doing in real life to try to get a little support. Have you tried support groups? I attend Compassionate Friends. It's not a cure-all, but it's a safe zone for me. Also, is there a divorce support group/single parent support group in your area? Again, not a cure-all. But perhaps you'll find just one person who can offer you the real life face-to-face interaction you need.
Please continue to reach out here. Don't feel obligated to sugarcoat anything. This is so very difficult.
Peace.
are you kidding me is spot on (and not kidding you). The problem is with HIM not you. And he went to the drug-using girlfriend for fun. He didn't want the responsibility of his first family. He wanted to relive the times when he didn't have the adult burdens of caring for other people's feelings, wants, needs. Well tough, buddy. Now you will have to support your real family and this new one -- and trust me, he's not happy. And it won't last. And by that time, I pray that you will have found the peace that you deserve. You will survive and be a source of pride to your sons. You already are.
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