I'm Here

Sorry for being absent lately. So much going on and not nearly the time or energy to get it done.

Monkey seems to be doing better. Just maybe the surgery is our magic bullet to making him feel better. It has been a tough week for him since he has started a new daycare. Transitions are so hard for him. Unfortunately, he won't be staying with this provider as she only agreed to keep him on part time basis and I will be increasing my hours at work soon. I have found another provider to keep him so that is a positive. He has cried all morning while I am at work. I hate leaving him. I hope in a few weeks it is all better and he is settled. The tears just rip my heart out.

I have secured more hours and benefits at work with my current job so at least I have that security. It is my temporary plan for getting back on my feet. I finally heard back regarding my job interview and I go back later this week for one more interview. Sure seems like a lot of trouble for this kind of position. Oh well. If it is meant to be it will work out.

This divorce thing is so hard. My mood shifts from sad to angry without warning. The papers have been filed, but he has not been served as of yet. He will probably get them tomorrow. I am dreading that phone call. He will not be happy with what I have proposed, but I am trying to do what is best for Monkey and myself. This just sucks so much.

I feel as if my head is spinning and I am on the verge of hyperventilating due to too may decisions that all must be made in such a short period of time. I don't have much time to contemplate my choices and that is not my way. I am much more calculated than flying by the seat of my pants. I am trying to go with things and trust that all will fall into place. I must hang on to my faith that I can do this. It is all I have.

Update

Monkey's surgery went fairly well. It was delayed over two hours which is never good with a hungry two year old. He gave them a scare when he began to wake up because he had a bronchial spasm that made him desat. They had to give him positive pressure to open his airway and breathing treatments to dilate his bronchials in his lungs. They said this is common in preemies. They called it a hyper-reactive airway. I will just call it scary.


He had a hard time waking up, but other than that, he is doing well. The surgeon gave him a shot of steroids and I was so lucky that they kicked in about 9:00 last night. He was like an amped up animal. I hate steroids. He finally fell asleep next to me in bed watching Dumbo. Got to love Disney. They have seen me through what could have been many sleepless nights.

M did go yesterday and it was okay until the day had drawn on a little too long and then he really started to annoy me. It felt weird to sit beside him and worry for our son, but feel no connection or love for him. It is all so strange to me, this moving on.

I took another big step today. I met with the woman who is going to establish my single hood and get my life moving in the right direction. The next few days should be interesting as M learns what I have done. I know he doesn't expect me to do anything. He is very wrong. He is going to be pissed and I know I will feel the wrath, but these are the repercussions of his choices, not mine. I will do whatever I must do to protect my son and provide him with the best life possible. It felt liberating today. I didn't even shed a single tear. I know I have made the right choice. I hope I feel this okay with it when it all comes out in the open and he responds. I am very afraid that this will get ugly.

Thank you

It was a bad night. Things did not go well well with M. Someday, I will have something positive to say, instead of whining about how crappy things are now. Thanks for hanging in here with me until I find the good. It means a lot.

I'm ready. Then again, maybe not.

This story is old. It is depressing. I am so sorry that I keep retelling it. This just seems to be the only place I can sort through my thoughts. My mind is cluttered and fear is taking over the rational part of my brain. I think I am ready. At least tonight, I feel ready to move on. I may wake up tomorrow and the pathetic, stupid part of me will still have hope and continue to wait.

I have not had a positive interaction with M in quite awhile now. We went back to the therapist (yes, the crazy one). M only answers questions in a vague way as to avoid any type of commitment on his part. I can't stand it. It takes every ounce of my being to not reach across the room and beat the crap out of him. I know violence is not the answer, but a good daydream can be stress relieving. His favorite answer is "I'm trying". What the fuck does that mean? He is not here. He is not any nicer to me. So "I'm trying" is just another bullshit answer if you ask me.

How exactly do I go about this? I don't have enough money on my own to support Monkey and me. I can try to work more hours, but I took this job as part time (and with part time pay) so Monkey would not be in full time daycare (M & I's decision). I will not have any health insurance and with my luck would break a leg the week my policy through M's work expired. I know I can live with my parents for awhile, but is that really the answer? I can't even afford the attorney's fees without draining all I have. I have sent out some resumes regarding some full time positions, but in this economy, it doesn't look encouraging. Let's also be real, I would be fired in the first two months for being gone when Monkey is sick.

My brain is on overload. I am more tired than I have ever been in my life. I can't concentrate for more than 30 seconds (and that is a good day). Monkey is sick with another sinus infection and decided to make my day better by puking at daycare. Poor baby is now sick with some type of stomach bug. M had the nerve to tell me that I was exaggerating his being sick because it was his night. What the fuck is that? I am the one who deals with all the illness. I would be relieved to finally have a healthy kid and to not spend most of the money I do make at the pediatrician's office or the pharmacy. To top it off, I just realized that I really didn't think of Noah today and what kind of mother does that make me? Fuck him for making me less of a mother. I don't think I have the capacity to deal with anymore stress or feel anymore grief, sadness, anger, or heartbreak.

I just need a break. A vacation far, far away...sorry, daydreaming again. I can't afford to go anywhere and what would I do with Monkey? M would have a fit if I left him with my parents and I am not sure they are up to an all-nighter. I definitely don't want to leave Monkey with M for a weekend. Not even opening that can of worms..

I apologize for the rant. I just needed to vent.

Choices

I have a choice to make, but it doesn't feel like a choice. It feels like choosing between the life I have dreamed about and loneliness. I know that the life I dreamed of doesn't exist right now, but what if it is waiting on me? What if I am supposed to bear this insufferable pain a little longer to reap the sweet reward? Maybe there is no reward. This goes on all day and night in me head. I think of reasons to file and then counter them with reasons to wait a little longer. It is like silent torture 24 hours a day.

Deep down, I want it to work out. I love M or at least I loved the old him. I still dream of my loving husband coming home to put our life back to together. I am willing to forgive him if he is willing to commit to our marriage. He is scared and when M is scared he avoids and procrastinates. That just digs this dark, big hole a little deeper. Instead of scratching his way out he is hiding in the darkness. I do not want to stay in the dark anymore.

I told him he must commit to moving home, not this moment, but in the near future or I want out. He just sputters excuses about being scared and has the nerve to tell me that I act as if divorce is so simple and easy. Easy? Nothing about this choice has been easy. I am dying inside over this.

I know what I need to do. It is just so hard to take that first step and make that call. It is all so final. I keep secretly hoping that he will see this is worth fighting for and stop me before I muster the courage to pick up the phone and seal our fate.

Please wake me up

He stands there looking at me. His eyes show a mixture of anger, fear, hurt, and apathy. I am tired of his justifications for his choices, acts of fatherhood, and his so called concern for me. Fuck him. He has chosen this path and now he simply is avoiding dealing with it.

It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. I don't really want to be with this man. I don't even know who he is. This person standing before me is mean, stagnant, and most of all a coward. The man I knew was none of those things. He was kind, loving, and always tried to do the right thing. He was the person everyone thought was such a nice guy. I don't where this person has been hiding all of this time. It is like he went to bed one night and this monster took over.

I am so scared of this revelation. I feel sick thinking of what it means. It means that I am alone. More alone than I have ever been. It means that all of my hopes and dreams have died. My entire life as I knew it is over. I will move. I know a house is just some sticks, but it is independence. I will probably move in with my parents. Comforting and suffocating all at once. They are wonderful and love me and Monkey more than anyone. It is hard admitting defeat and going to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I will have to quit my job to find something full time with insurance. Something that pays enough that I can care for Monkey and not have to count on him. I gave up that job to have babies. It means that I will probably have no more babies. This is the hardest part to swallow. I need this. I crave it. I want nothing more than to hold a newborn baby in my arms. Not to replace Noah, but because being a mother is the only thing I have ever felt truly peaceful.

I will admit that I hate being alone. Silence is the most terrible sound to me. I just like knowing that another soul is there. It makes a house a home. I know people will say that there are others out there, but I don't see that for me. I am broken beyond repair and that doesn't mesh with being with another human being. Also, I already had my true love. He left and broke my already damaged heart into a thousand pieces. I don't think a person finds that twice.

Mostly, I hate what this will do to Monkey. I have held on in some way for him. I wanted him to have both of his parents. I didn't want him to have to choose between us. I know that I will have to share him. It hurts so much to think of what lies ahead in regards to my sweet son. I know couples always say that they will do what is best for their children, but in the end I don't think many actually do. It will always be a tug of war.

I don't know if I have the strength to turn and walk away. What if it is the worst mistake of my life? What if he truly needs time to work through this depression? Will my best friend ever come back? If he is in there, I want to wait no matter how difficult it is, but if he is gone, I don't see any reason to stay. I am tired of thinking about this. Tired of waiting. Tired of being hurt. Tired of telling this story that never ends. At times I feel weak and pathetic for still waiting. I am embarrassed and maybe in denial that my life is such a wreck. I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that won't end. I keep trying to wake myself up, but the dream just keeps replaying. Please, please wake me up.

"Trauma"

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

All of that from two hours with me?

M and I visited the marriage counselor today. She asked lots of questions about Noah and how I felt about it. She really liked to use the word "trauma" over and over again. It really annoyed the hell out of me. The final straw was when she kept asking what was the hardest part. Really? What the fuck do you think is the hardest part? I took a deep breath, composed myself, and answered everything. She then had the nerve to decide that I had not dealt with it. Like it is something to neatly wrap up and put away. She suggested some creepy "trauma therapy". I am pretty sure that there is no chance in hell of that happening. What really pissed me off was the nerve of someone who has met me twice passing that judgment. I have come a long way. No, I am not over it, nor have I dealt with it completely, but I am a lot farther along in this journey than I was. I actually wake up these days and can see the flicker of light glowing from the edge of the darkness. I am trying. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am finally moving forward.

She really infuriates me when she starts talking about grief and losing Noah. She is totally clueless. This may be a shitty club that nobody wants to join, but I find myself being very protective of it and all of the babylost mamas who make it up. This space is sacred to me. This club is what got me through in the darkest of days. I have not shared this space with M. I am afraid of his judgements. He may surprise me and support this world, but I think he will not understand how I can share my thoughts with people I have never met. I can't quite explain how these babylost mamas inspire me to keep living, to keep moving forward. They also make it okay for me to share my sadness, my fears, and even the anger. This online world gets it while the "real" world is at a loss of what to do with me and pretends that this did not happen. I wanted to share how I found peace in writing, but I didn't say it. They wouldn't get it. They wouldn't understand that it is not so much that others are reading (don't get me wrong, I value hearing from those reading) as I am getting all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head. It is a reprieve from the torture going on in my mind.

It's not that the therapist has been totally wrong in her judgements of me. She does pick up on snippets that others haven't. I just can't seem to allow her into this world she can't possibly understand. I by no means think my loss is more difficult than that of a mama who lost a singleton. It is just different and she has failed to recognize this. Having twins and one not surviving changes things. I was not allowed to fall apart and lay on the bathroom floor after losing Noah. I had to walk into my broken home and be a Mama to a newborn baby. I can only imagine what it would be like to return to older children who can comprehend the loss of their little brother or sister. That would be so much harder. To have to answer their questions and reassure them in such hard times would be so daunting. I had to delay my grief until I couldn't hold it in any longer. I often think that maybe I had it easier than other mamas cause I had this beautiful baby boy waiting for me. He made me get out of bed and live when all I could think of was disappearing. Monkey is why I am here taking the next step. As I said, losing a twin is no worse, just different. I often shy away from people who have lost their only for fear they will think I have no place to in this world cause I still have one baby. Even with the gratitude I have for the child who lived, I still miss my son more than words. I can't seem to convey this to her and on some level don't want to.

The other thing that bothered me is how she fixated on my "trauma". What about M? It happened to him too. I feel badly that Daddy's are so often overlooked in this world. I realize they deal with the loss differently, but she never even acknowledged the loss for him. I know this really did effect him after Noah died because he felt that he had to be strong and just get over it. I think that led us down this road to some point. There were other problems in our marriage, but I can't imagine having to just suck it up and be strong. The "real" world just expected that it would hurt me more. I am very sorry for that.

I don't know if we will go back. I will probably follow M's lead and do what he wants. I will just ignore her ignorance for now. It is too bad that those who are supposed to be helping are really very clueless. If her description of me is accurate, I can only wonder what she would think of the rest of this community. I don't feel my grief is any worse than of any other mama who has lost her baby. Really, I don't care what she thinks. Maybe her assessment is right, but I am where I am supposed to be on this journey. I know it is far from over, but I will not let some crazy shrink make me think that I have not traveled as far as I have down this road.

Double Life

In the past, I haven't been able to convey my feelings about M's leaving and I still seem unable to fully write or even think about it. His leaving is the 2nd worse thing that has happened to me. I have lost my partner, my best friend, and my lover. I have never until now imagined my life without him by my side. He was my courage, my strength, and my home. Without him I am lost.

I live two lives. One, where I pretend all is okay. I put on a happy front, say I am fine when asked, and go on with life. I go to work, exchange pleasantries with acquaintances at the store, and do all of the normal things I used to do. I do not talk about my personal life. I avoid those that once were in our lives, but on the outer circle. They are friends, but not the kind I trust with my broken heart. Most of these people are also friends with M. I am humiliated by how my life is turning out. I can hear them talking and feel their stares as they observe the train wreck which is my life. I try to not think about them. I have never been one to really care what others thought, but I have never lived with this scarlet letter before either. The other life is sad and broken. It is me curled in a ball on the bathroom floor because I can't take this pain one more second, yet I am paralyzed by the fear and hurt. It is full of tears and loneliness. I have somewhat done this to myself. I should have stopped being ashamed of what I couldn't have controlled and sought out the support of those around me. Maybe if I had done so, I would have moved on by now. I feel like I live one big lie. I never outright lie. I just don't voluntarily disclose the truth of my current situation. Essentially, I feel like a fraud. Life #1 is exhausting and feels dishonest. Life #2 is so lonely and depressing.

M and I went to a new marriage counselor today. She was okay. I guess I will give it a try. He has hurt me so badly, I just don't know how to move forward, yet I just can't seem to give up. I love him. I want my life back with him, but I don't know how to live with this never ending pain and rejection I feel from him. I know healing takes time, but I need a bigger commitment from him than just marriage counseling. If his heart is not in this, I want our marriage to be over. I don't think I can survive another round of this down the road. If we get back together, I must know he is in it for the long haul, not out of obligation or some other reason. It must be because he wants to spend his life with me. How do I keep waiting on him to make that choice? Each day, it gets a little harder. I told him he must tell me a date in which he is moving back home. This may be a mistake, but I just need to know that this struggle will end. I think we need something drastic, but I am not sure what that is. He says he needs to feel a connection. I am not sure how we rekindle that when we are not together very often and when there is no trust between us. I know for myself, that I can't let my guard down because I am so afraid of being hurt. It seems when I think it is going okay, I just get crushed one more time.

I am just so tired of this double life. At times, I think it would be easier to just part ways and move on, but then I think about how alone I am and all of the things I had hoped and dreamed of with him. I want those things. Deep down, I do want it all. That is why I wait. I just need the strength to make it through each day. I pray for the patience and faith to believe in him. I know that I may suffer more pain in the end, but if I give up, I have no chance of ever recapturing those lost dreams. I am going to stop lying to myself and everyone around me that I am okay. No one really out right asks about where he is, but I am going to stop denying the fact that he is gone. It is what it is. No more shame from this scarlet letter.

At the end of the road

I think back to a year ago and I don't recognize that life. The only parts that are still the same is my grief for Noah and my love of both of my boys. I actually thought M and I were going to figure this losing a baby thing out. I thought we were going to try to have more children. I stopped the pill. I had the pregnancy tests in the cabinet. I with all of my heart thought we would have another baby. I thought I would be pregnant now, not alone and heartbroken.

He says he wants to work it out. I don't know if I believe him. He is so mean and unloving when I talk to him. He crushes my spirit when I am with him. I am trying so hard to find myself. I want to figure out who I am now. I have to be more than this. I am lonely, sad, and so very angry. How do you rise above that? I know he is struggling with his own demons, but at some point it comes down to what you choose. He has committed to marriage counseling and spending more time at home. We will see how it goes. I am not getting my hopes up.

I have set some lofty goals for the new year. I want to get healthy, both mentally and physically. I want to find my faith in whatever form that speaks to me. It may be church or it may be the peaceful quiet of the morning. I will find a way to make Noah's life matter. He was put here to teach me and I need to share what I have learned. I don't know exactly how, but I have a few ideas. I just pray that I have the endurance and the tenacity to see this through. I refuse to give in to being sad and depressed. I want both of my sons to be proud of their Mama. I am not a quitter and I want them to know it is okay to stare down adversity and follow their hearts. Whether M and I end up together, I still want these things.

Right now, I need some faith in myself. I am strong. I can do this. No matter, how hopeless I my feel today, I will not quit. I will find happiness, it is at the end of a very long, dark road. I just have to look up and follow the subtle signs along the way. Eventually, I will find the end.

Fireproof?

Can it really happen?

I can only hope.

Maybe I need to find my faith.

Where is the Sunshine?

I look at my marriage disintegrating before my eyes and realize it is my dreams that I am fighting for so fiercely. M has stripped away all that I thought and hoped for my future. That is a lot to take in. There will be no family dinners, holidays celebrated, babies crying, or quiet moments in bed together before our children stir.

They say in divorce that you must mourn just as you would for a loved one. You do mourn, but it is different. Death is final and most of the time you have no control over it. Divorce is promises broken, rejection by the one you love most, and the reality that nothing in your life is what you thought it was. Losing Noah is by far the hardest thing that I have dealt with, but losing my marriage has taken away my ability to trust and look to the future. Is there life out there for divorced, babylost mama? I have enough baggage to scare everyone away. I can't see my future other than being alone and sad.

M remains vague about our future. No, he has not filed for divorce, but he is not here either. I am alone during the hardest part of the year. I put up the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations. It all just feels empty. He is not here. Our home is not filled with laughter and happiness, only grief and heartbreak.

I keep holding on to the pieces of the life I knew. Some may see it as foolish, but I really do want my marriage and family together. I know that I can't bring Noah back, but I can have enough faith to wait out the storm. I just keep hoping for the break in clouds, to feel the sunshine on my face.

Marriage and Grief

I feel very alone when I think about Noah now. The experience seems uniquely mine, but M was there every step of the way. He was a good Daddy to the boys. I think he was overwhelmed as much as I was. We both did what had to be done and I don't think we gave the consequences much thought at the time. I don't think we even had any idea of what was ahead of us. I know we didn't expect to lose Noah so soon. I truly thought that I would get at least a couple of years, not months.

Our relationship has been rocky at times, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary. We got together when we were young and had a difficult time growing up together. It seemed, or I at least I thought, we wanted the same things. We both had good jobs. We bought a nice house. We were living a pretty charmed life. Maybe that is why our relationship seemed okay at the time. Things changed when I got pregnant. We had been trying for quite some time, but it is like when it became a reality, he freaked out a little. I felt disconnected from him during the pregnancy. I was so in love with being pregnant that I just let it go. I figured he was just scared.

Now, I look at him and I don't really recognize my husband. Losing Noah has definitely taken a toll on him. I truly feel he is majorly depressed. I suggested today that he take something. He agreed to look into it so we will see what happens. I don't know where I want this to go, but I do still love him. I still believe in the vows we took 6 years ago. I know I am the fool for waiting while he acts like our marriage is disposable. I just think it is something more that is causing him to do this. I am not claiming to be totally the victim. I have my faults just like everyone else. I know I was difficult to live with at times.

So here I am waiting. What is the harm? Divorce is just so final and I am not sure I can be the one to take that step. I know he is unsure. He has dug this hole and now he can't figure out how to get out of it. I am trying to be the bigger person and help, but it so damn hard. I have no patience so I tend to get angry and hurt by him. It just seems like an impossible situation.

As Noah's day nears, I wish he could connect. He is the only person who gets it. He is the only person who loved him as much as I do. I know he misses him and carries his own guilt. At times, it is hard to see past my own feelings to help him with his. I wish there was some place for Dads of lost babies. Their needs seem to be different that ours. Does this place exist? I hope for his sake that he finds it.

Drowning

I'm sad, angry, lonely, and scared. Those are just a few of the emotions running through me right now. I am drowning in self pity at this very moment. I used to say after losing Noah that I was stuck on an island all by myself. Now, I truly am. I am full of random thoughts and emotions and I am not sure what to do about any of it.

I miss Noah. He seems very far away. I hate that. I feel as if I am losing my connection to him. There are days that it feels like it was all a dream and he was never really mine. That is until Monkey looks at a picture and says "Bubba". My Mom has a picture in living room of Monkey and my two nieces. The frame has an angel charm on it. Monkey points to the Angel and says "Bubba". This rips my heart out of my chest and makes me feel good all at the same time. I want Monkey to know his brother, I just miss him so much. It seems that no one ever says his name anymore except me. I wish someone would talk about him.

Monkey and Noah's birthday is in two weeks. It has all started. It's like I relive each moment of the final days of my pregnancy and all of Noah' life for the next 3 months. I start questioning all I did and didn't do. The regrets start creeping in. To top it off, my husband and I are not even having Monkey's birthday parties together with our families because he says it would be awkward. This completely crushes me and I am not sure if it because I was hoping he would support me through this or because we are that far away from being ok together. He says we can spend Monkey's actual b-day together, just the three of us so I guess I should just go with it. My Mom is going out of her way to have a good get together for him with my family. It will be fun, but hard at the same time. I am trying to be positive. Monkey deserves a great birthday.

As far as my marriage goes, I don't know. I miss the person I thought was my soul mate. I thought he was my best friend and partner for life. Just a few months before he decided he couldn't be here, we decided to start kind of trying for another baby. How do you go from babies to not wanting your marriage? Needless to say, I was slightly blindsided. I still struggle with how you can either lie or change your mind so quickly about something as huge as that. He says he wants it to work out, but I am not sure I believe him or if I even care. I'm not sure I will ever really trust him again. I don't know how. He ripped apart my world. He took what little security I felt after losing Noah. I am trying because I think Monkey deserves both of us. He just doesn't deserve this situation.

Here is my positive. Monkey is the most amazing little boy. He is so funny and lovable. I look forward to our time each night. I love rocking him to sleep as we sing sweet songs and tell silly stories. He is my life and I will do anything for him. I want only the best for him.

I have to pull it together for Monkey. There is no time for grief, sadness, and anger. I am not allowed to drown in this self pity. Right now, Monkey is my life preserver. I wake up and try to be the best mama I can for him, even though at times I am just so tired of the fight, tired of trying to keep my head above the water.

Could it get worse?

This is how I feel today...I thought it was bad when Noah died and couldn't get worse. I was wrong. Your husband can decided to have a crisis and shit can his life (aka your marriage). He asked me today if I could be more positive. Really?? What should I be positive about? My dead baby? My feelings of abandonment from him leaving? The stress of trying to raise a two year old by yourself with minimal help from him? The empty promise of him wanting to save our marriage?

Today sucks. Today I want to crawl in a hole and stay there for awhile. I think I need a pity party. I want to cry, but crying pisses me off. If I cry, he wins. Instead, I will find a pint of ice cream. That should take the edge off.

I keep telling myself this is the worst, but lets be honest there are a lot of other shitty things that can happen. I think I will go back to my hole...

I hope...

Hope. Can you live without it? In our first visit with our pediatrician after flying Noah home to our local hospital, he looked me in the eyes through my tears and told me, "You can't live without hope". He was giving me permission to fight for my child. The doctors at Mercy had taken all of my hope away. They told me to take him home, to expect nothing, and watch him die. Thank God for that small moment of kindness with our ped. He for the first time in weeks with Noah allowed me to imagine a life with him. Granted it was a different life than I had imagined. It was still life.

The last 6 months I have felt like something was missing. I realized it was hope. I was floating through life like a bystander waiting for something to end this unbearable pain. I now know that nothing will take away the pain of losing Noah, but I have to choose how I let it define me. Sometimes, I look at Monkey and try to imagine him growing up. I know this sounds terrible, but instead of when he grows up, I find myself saying if he grows up. I type it and my heart feels like it is being ripped in two. This is my biggest fear. I will lose Monkey. I have to let go. He is a little boy who is going to skin his knee and get into trouble. I must stop envisioning everything that could go wrong. I will make myself crazy if I don't. I must hope for his future. I must allow myself to dream of his first day of kindergarten, college graduation, and holding his own sweet babies. How do I learn to dream again?

The husband and I went to a new marriage counselor today. It was better than I expected. There may actually be a tinge of hope for our marriage. I am scared to truly dream of our future. It will hurt to badly, when it falls apart. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. Secretly, I want to dream of more babies, growing old with my best friend, and watching my children grow into adults. It hurts so badly to imagine never having any of it.

I hope Monkey grows up strong and healthy.

I hope I can rekindle my marriage.

I hope my best friend comes home.

I hope I meet Noah again on the other side.

I hope...

Does love really conquer all?

I wish it were true. If it were I would be able to bring my baby back and repair my marriage. When is it better to part ways? I love my husband, but I am not sure we can ever see each other in the same way. We have had terrible fights, said many hurtful things, and have alienated each other to the point of no return. This is bigger than us and I know we can not fix it by ourselves. We are scheduled to see a new therapist, but I am not sure he will go. I hope he will see that there is value in our life together. I am so very sorry for all that has happened.

I love him.

I love my family.

Marriage

Marriage is an interesting thing. Apparently, I didn't get it quite right. I have been with my husband since our senior year in high school. We had that lovey dovey stage, but we were just babies. We barely survived college in tact and still decided to take the plunge into marriage. It seemed the right thing to do. It was the logical next step as my husband said once before. Don't get me wrong I love my him. We have always had a difficult relationship. We are very different. I think that drew us together in the beginning and has torn us apart since Noah passed away.

Our marriage has three stages, before the boys, the boys, and after Noah died. It has been different in each stage. In the beginning, we struggled to find our way, but there was never a doubt that we were supposed to be together. He was my rock, my best friend, and soul mate. Once the boys arrived, we moved into the best place we had ever been. Maybe it was survival and we were just too stressed and tired to struggle. We had a common goal, keeping Noah alive and taking care of Monkey. We were a team and the little, petty stuff just seemed to go away. Once Noah died, our relationship just slowly disintegrated. I think we were trying to survive each day and take care of Monkey. I know for myself that I just didn't have the energy to take care of him too. I am very sorry for that. I was so sad and angry that I didn't have the patience for him. He is a procrastinator, the kind of person who buries his head in the sand and pretends that shitty stuff isn't happening. I am not that way. I want a plan. I want to fix what is broken. Neither of us did a very good job of dealing with losing Noah. He avoided it and I wanted to fix it. It didn't matter what we did, he was still gone. He wasn't coming back. It seems once we both came to terms with this cold, hard fact, we realized that our relationship was virtually gone. I think we both tried to pretend it was going to be okay. We talked about more children, but he wasn't real interested in making them and I was scared shitless it would actually happen. We moved into a new house, planning our future. What a joke. Now he is gone and all we do is fight.

I never dreamed this would be my life. A dead baby and a husband, who is not sure he wants to save his marriage. How did I get here? How do I get out of here? I know Noah is not coming back no matter how sad and angry I may be. My husband, though, doesn't want a divorce. Does that mean he wants me? Is it pride standing in our way? I have tried vulnerable, but he is not cracking. I feel like such a fool, waiting on his love. I just can't walk away. Not yet.

Irony

Tomorrow is one more glaring reminder that I have one, not two. Tomorrow my sister in law is scheduled to give birth to two healthy babies. God does have one sick, twisted sense of humor. Don't get me wrong, I pray they are healthy and get here safely. I can't bear to have one more lost or sick baby. Right now, it feels as if they will forever be a constant reminder of my boys and what I am missing. It is hard enough to see Monkey reach milestones and know there should be two. They will be live kicking, screaming twins. I wish them the best and I will love my new niece and nephew will all my heart, but will always be a little sad when I look at them.

I miss Noah. I miss my little, squishy faced turtle.

I miss him so much there is a hole in my heart.

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Monkey has been sick for 4 days. We spent Monday night in the ER with a fever of 105. They gave him Motrin and sent him home. I paid how much for that?? I could have given him Motrin. Anyways, he is now getting better and his fever just broke this morning. Poor baby.

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My DH is still avoiding me. How much longer can I wait for him to decide he wants this marriage? Do I even care anymore? Yes, I care I tell myself during the day that I don't need him so I can function, but in the dark of night, I know I love and need him. I am tired and sad. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being exhausted everyday from caring for Monkey, carrying this grief, and worrying about him. I love him, but this is no way to live. He has been officially out of the house for 2 months now. I know he misses Noah too, but we should be dealing with this together. I am just not sure how to fix all that is wrong. So many things said in anger and hurt. They can't be taken back. I feel he has abandoned me when I needed him the most.