Marriage and Grief

I feel very alone when I think about Noah now. The experience seems uniquely mine, but M was there every step of the way. He was a good Daddy to the boys. I think he was overwhelmed as much as I was. We both did what had to be done and I don't think we gave the consequences much thought at the time. I don't think we even had any idea of what was ahead of us. I know we didn't expect to lose Noah so soon. I truly thought that I would get at least a couple of years, not months.

Our relationship has been rocky at times, but nothing that seemed out of the ordinary. We got together when we were young and had a difficult time growing up together. It seemed, or I at least I thought, we wanted the same things. We both had good jobs. We bought a nice house. We were living a pretty charmed life. Maybe that is why our relationship seemed okay at the time. Things changed when I got pregnant. We had been trying for quite some time, but it is like when it became a reality, he freaked out a little. I felt disconnected from him during the pregnancy. I was so in love with being pregnant that I just let it go. I figured he was just scared.

Now, I look at him and I don't really recognize my husband. Losing Noah has definitely taken a toll on him. I truly feel he is majorly depressed. I suggested today that he take something. He agreed to look into it so we will see what happens. I don't know where I want this to go, but I do still love him. I still believe in the vows we took 6 years ago. I know I am the fool for waiting while he acts like our marriage is disposable. I just think it is something more that is causing him to do this. I am not claiming to be totally the victim. I have my faults just like everyone else. I know I was difficult to live with at times.

So here I am waiting. What is the harm? Divorce is just so final and I am not sure I can be the one to take that step. I know he is unsure. He has dug this hole and now he can't figure out how to get out of it. I am trying to be the bigger person and help, but it so damn hard. I have no patience so I tend to get angry and hurt by him. It just seems like an impossible situation.

As Noah's day nears, I wish he could connect. He is the only person who gets it. He is the only person who loved him as much as I do. I know he misses him and carries his own guilt. At times, it is hard to see past my own feelings to help him with his. I wish there was some place for Dads of lost babies. Their needs seem to be different that ours. Does this place exist? I hope for his sake that he finds it.