I look at my marriage disintegrating before my eyes and realize it is my dreams that I am fighting for so fiercely. M has stripped away all that I thought and hoped for my future. That is a lot to take in. There will be no family dinners, holidays celebrated, babies crying, or quiet moments in bed together before our children stir.
They say in divorce that you must mourn just as you would for a loved one. You do mourn, but it is different. Death is final and most of the time you have no control over it. Divorce is promises broken, rejection by the one you love most, and the reality that nothing in your life is what you thought it was. Losing Noah is by far the hardest thing that I have dealt with, but losing my marriage has taken away my ability to trust and look to the future. Is there life out there for divorced, babylost mama? I have enough baggage to scare everyone away. I can't see my future other than being alone and sad.
M remains vague about our future. No, he has not filed for divorce, but he is not here either. I am alone during the hardest part of the year. I put up the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations. It all just feels empty. He is not here. Our home is not filled with laughter and happiness, only grief and heartbreak.
I keep holding on to the pieces of the life I knew. Some may see it as foolish, but I really do want my marriage and family together. I know that I can't bring Noah back, but I can have enough faith to wait out the storm. I just keep hoping for the break in clouds, to feel the sunshine on my face.
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1 comment:
How difficult. I imagine there is life for a dead baby mama after divorce, but I can't glean it for you. My heart breaks knowing that this is your road. I only hope it has one hell of a rainbow waiting for you at the crest.
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