Broken

I reached the ped's floor today and she directed me to room 215. I slowly walked towards the door and had to stop. I felt weak and a little sick to my stomach. I started to enter and just couldn't do it. I asked her if we could go to another room. I felt stupid. I told her I know it is silly, I just can't do it today. I know she thinks I am crazy. I just wanted to cry. Today is the 17th. One month from today will be two years. How has two years pasted?

While getting Monkey's meds, my favorite nurse came to visit. She has been by my side through the last two years. She helped get Noah home and has always made sure that my boys are taken care of. She is actually the nurse manager. I told her about the Heparin incident. We talked for awhile and she asked about Noah. She then asked if my husband and I were going to have more kids. I just froze. I told her that things weren't going so well. She has been through a nasty divorce just about a year ago. She is the first person outside of my family and immediate friends that he is gone. She was so kind and supportive. It took all of my strength not to cry. Why can't I just open up and admit that it all sucks. That I can't do this anymore. Holding it together is killing me.

My husband came over tonight to see Monkey. It breaks my heart to see them together. Monkey is so excited to see him and I just want him to leave. I can't stand being near him. It is too painful. It just reminds me that he doesn't want me. He doesn't believe in our marriage. We had a terrible fight. I hate him for this, yet I am still here hanging on. Hoping and praying that what is left of my family will be together once again.

I just want to throw myself on the floor and surrender to this pain. If I do, will I be able to stop it? I just keep shoving it down. I can't take anymore sleepless nights and tears. I am broken and this pain is suffocating me. Do I just walk away? Where do I go from here?