Letting go

I've been thinking of this often. Letting go. So often, others say you must let go in order to move forward. I am stuck. I don't know how to let go. I am scared to let go. The unknown may be lonely and sad. Funny that I am scared of that. The here and now is lonely and sad.

How do I let go of my son? How do I make peace with his life and destiny? If I let go of this grief, will my love for him be less? I don't want to let go of him. I want to feel his small body curled up against my chest sleeping peacefully. If I let go, will I forget how that felt? This pain is my reminder of his struggle for life. I want to feel this pain so I will never forget him. When he feels far away, am I letting go? When I stood in that hospital room the other day, I didn't feel him. Am I letting go? The room seemed small, empty and very cold. When he left, it was full of family, love, and his spirit. I was hoping to feel his spirit, but instead felt nothing, except maybe disappointment. I think I walked in hoping to inflict a little more of that pain on myself. If I felt the pain, I would feel him. Some days, the pain is all I have of him. I don't know how to move forward on this path of loss. Where do I go from here?

I look at my husband and wonder how we got here. Where is the man who has loved me since I was just a child? I am scared to let go of him. For 12 years he has been my guidepost and strength. He was the one thing I never doubted. With him, I dreamed of my boys and our future. How do I let go? Should I let go? I know that those around me see me as a fool for waiting on him, for fighting for my marriage. Why am I fighting? Is it love or fear or both? I do love him. In a way, I don't think I know how to love him in way that he needs. I don't know how to look forward. My dreams are all tied up in him. He was always a part of those dreams. I don't want to let go. I want my life back. I want my best friend and lover back. How do I let those dreams and wants go? How do I navigate this life without my guideposts? At times, I feel I should just walk away and others the thought is so unbearable, I am not sure I can breath. So I wait, not letting go.