I think back to a year ago and I don't recognize that life. The only parts that are still the same is my grief for Noah and my love of both of my boys. I actually thought M and I were going to figure this losing a baby thing out. I thought we were going to try to have more children. I stopped the pill. I had the pregnancy tests in the cabinet. I with all of my heart thought we would have another baby. I thought I would be pregnant now, not alone and heartbroken.
He says he wants to work it out. I don't know if I believe him. He is so mean and unloving when I talk to him. He crushes my spirit when I am with him. I am trying so hard to find myself. I want to figure out who I am now. I have to be more than this. I am lonely, sad, and so very angry. How do you rise above that? I know he is struggling with his own demons, but at some point it comes down to what you choose. He has committed to marriage counseling and spending more time at home. We will see how it goes. I am not getting my hopes up.
I have set some lofty goals for the new year. I want to get healthy, both mentally and physically. I want to find my faith in whatever form that speaks to me. It may be church or it may be the peaceful quiet of the morning. I will find a way to make Noah's life matter. He was put here to teach me and I need to share what I have learned. I don't know exactly how, but I have a few ideas. I just pray that I have the endurance and the tenacity to see this through. I refuse to give in to being sad and depressed. I want both of my sons to be proud of their Mama. I am not a quitter and I want them to know it is okay to stare down adversity and follow their hearts. Whether M and I end up together, I still want these things.
Right now, I need some faith in myself. I am strong. I can do this. No matter, how hopeless I my feel today, I will not quit. I will find happiness, it is at the end of a very long, dark road. I just have to look up and follow the subtle signs along the way. Eventually, I will find the end.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
This is the most faith filled post I have ever read from you. Your road isn't easy - but I can tell that you really want to walk it, every step, and come out the other side - redefined, determined, and as whole as we ever become again.
Noah's life DID matter and so does yours. I am so blessed to be strolling along side you.
xoxo
You might gain some strength from reading this blog: http://www.antigonelost.com/
Antigone had a stillbirth and rebuilt her life after her husband left the marriage. She is an amazing woman. So are you.
I hate all this old normal, new normal stuff. I just want to be me, but we are stuck in this life. Your child's life mattered. And we will abide with you, and remember.
Post a Comment