Who I am?

I look in the mirror and don't really recognize the person looking back at me. She looks familiar, but I can't quite place where I know her from.


I close my eyes and I can see the girl I used be. A little tomboyish and girly all at once. I was athletic and confident. I wasn't beautiful, yet was pretty. I was smart, controlled, and seemed to have it all together.


Growing up I always had a plan. I would go to college, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. I did the first three. How did I go so wrong with the happily ever after part? Where in my plan was having my baby die and my marriage fall apart? I don't remember ever including that one. So much for the plan.

I don't want to wallow in self pity. I just don't know how to look in the mirror and see me. More importantly, how do I look in the mirror and like what I see? If grief is a journey, then I am totally lost.

I realized the other day that I don't even know what I like. I look around my house and it is furnished in a masculine way that my husband liked. Do I even like these things? My husband was a big Dave Matthews Band fan in college. I became a fan. Do I even like the music or did I just love the experience of the summer night air and the exhilaration of the concert with him by my side?

I look at myself and see a weak, scared person. As I became an adult, life just chipped away at my confidence. I know that I constantly beat myself up for all that has happened to me. I know that I couldn't have controlled what happened. I know that it is not all my fault. That is huge for me. It is not my fault. Maybe that should be my new mantra. Truthfully, my problems in my marriage are partly my fault, but the current situation is not. I did not make those decisions, he did. I have stayed and tried to save my marriage, but if it doesn't work, I can't beat myself up. I tried. I am a perfectionist by nature or maybe I'm not. Maybe, I just have an intense fear of disappointing the people I love.

It seems that I can never live up to anyone's standards. I have failed at almost everything I have done. I settled for a degree that I didn't want. I don't want to be a teacher, yet I have my degree in education. I have worked a series of jobs, that I have no passion for. They are a means to an ends. I don't know where my passion lies. The only thing that fires me up is taking care of my children. Where do I go from here?

I looked in the mirror and all I saw is a run down, fat girl. She is scared and has a hard time looking herself in the eye. I am so scared that others won't accept me, but really I can't accept myself. I don't know how. I want to be able to tell myself that it is okay to be lost.

I hope one day to look in the mirror and see a girl who is out to conquer the world. I want to smile and truly feel happy. I want to immerse myself in life and not question my every move. I want to follow my heart and not let my perceived expectations of others drive my actions. I want to live for me. I want to be a better me so I can be a better mama. I want Monkey to embrace life, not hide in fear of failure. I am going to start one small step at a time.
How do I get it back?