4 Days

I have four more days. Well, actually less than 4 days. Noah died at 3:22 A.M. so the actual time usually sneaks up on me. I still don't know what to do. How do I honor my missing son who I miss so much? All just doesn't seem enough. I am tormented with this need to do something in his honor, but I am frozen without any good ideas.

Today is the day that would have been Noah's surgery to place his Mic-Key button. It is the surgery that would have killed him had we gone through with it.

Today is the day that my attempt to save my child may have killed him. Two years ago today, he had an apnea spell. All of my usual efforts did not revive him. I was sick with a cold. I really did think about it, but I didn't see any other option. I began breathing into his mouth. After two breaths, the color returned and he began breathing on his own. I remember collapsing on the floor knowing what could have been. I remember thinking so many disorganized thoughts. I wondered whether I should call an ambulance. We had a DNR so they would not do anything. I found my camera and took a picture of him thinking this could be my last. Today is the day that I finally called hospice. I finally knew that I couldn't do this alone. The almost death of my son was the most frightening thing I had experienced up to that time and I didn 't know if I could handle it if I was alone with both babies.

My sweet Noah. I tried to do my best. I wanted to give you every chance at life. I will never know if it is because of this day that you had to leave us. I am sorry. I just wanted so badly for you to live one more day. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I love you with all my heart.