Noah

Hello, Goodbye

Where is the navigator of your destiny
Where is the dealer of this hand
Who can explain life and its brevity
‘Cause there is nothing here that I can understand
You and I have barely met and I just don’t want to let go of you yet

Noah, hello, goodbye
I’ll see you on the other side
Noah, sweet child of mine
I’ll see you on the other side

And so I hold you tiny hand in mine
For the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face
Heaven calls for you before it calls for me
When you get there save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile

-Michael W. Smith

Dear Noah,

Two years passed since I have held you in my arms. They ache to hold you. I close my eyes and I can feel you. I can smell your sweet, baby smell. I can see your bright blue eyes looking up at me. I miss you.

I am so proud of you. When I pause or hesitate to mention you, it is not because I am not proud. It is because not everyone is worthy of you. I hope you understand that sometimes your Mama simply cannot take the barrage of questions or the uncomfortable silence. Even when I do not speak your name, you are always in my heart. My love is always there. It is the constant in this crazy world.

Monkey misses you. He loves your sweet angel kisses. I know you visit him in his dreams. I can see that little smile creep across his face as if you are telling him secrets. Please watch over him. Give him strength and love so he can navigate this world. I know the two of you are meant to be together and one day you will again. Your bond transcends time and space. It will always be. The love of brothers especially twin brothers is unbreakable. Monkey will always hold you in his heart. As he grows, allow him to find his way and to make peace with the space your death made in his heart. Help him be whole even when a part of him is missing.

Please know that your Daddy and I love you with all of our hearts. I know he misses you terribly and struggles to find a way to deal with losing such a huge piece of his life. Daddy's want to protect and he couldn't protect you. Give him strength to know he did all anyone could have. He used to lay on the floor in your room and just watch you sleep. He missed you while he was away at work and needed that time to just drink you in. You were your Daddy. Same blue eyes and blond hair. You would have looked just like him. We used to say you took after him and Monkey after me. It is hard for a Daddy to lose his boy.

Noah, I am so sorry for all I couldn't do for you. I am sorry my body let you down. I am sorry I struggled to connect with you in those early days. I was so afraid of hurting you more that I already had. I found my place with you though. It was with you curled up on my chest, sleeping peacefully. I could take in all of you in. Your sweet, soft cheeks against mine, breathing peacefully. Once we finally got home, I cherished our afternoon naps and our cuddle sessions. I am sorry I got you sick. I wasn't ready to let you go. Please forgive me for making you stay if you were ready. I needed more time. We did our best to care for you. I hope you knew how much we loved you and still love you. I wish I could take a snapshot of all your moments. It was so fast. We tried to fill a lifetime into 3 months.

Noah, you are such an amazing child. You defied the odds and survived 3 wonderful months. When they said that you couldn't understand, you proved that you did. The first time I saw you turn your head to my voice, you showed you knew me. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love and not to take a moment for granted. Life is precious. You are a miracle and I thank God everyday that you were in our lives.

Please come visit me from time to time. I know you are busy playing, but take a moment every now and then and let me know you are okay.

You will be in my heart forever. I love you.

Mama