12 days. That is how many more days I will torture myself until THE DAY. What do I call the day? Noah's day? Noah's day should be happy and full of good memories, not memories of his last breaths and sweet cuddles. I have heard people call it an angelversary. Honestly, that makes me want to throw up. So what is it? I don't have a word for it. It is the day that my entire life was ripped apart and I lost my sweet boy. It is a day of the year that I dread and once it is here, I will feel I didn't do enough to honor him. Do I go to work? Monkey has an EI appointment that day. Do we attend? Is it dishonoring him to carry on like any other day?
Last year, we took Monkey to breakfast, toys to the hospital, and out to see Noah at the cemetery. After that, I decided we would Christmas shop because I just couldn't be sad. Last year I had M to hold my hand.
This year, I will go to work because I am out of sick time due to Monkey being sick. They don't have a leave for the anniversary that your baby died. I don't have the energy to ask for the day and have to explain why. I don't really talk about my personal life at work and don't plan on starting now. So, I will go. I will then pick Monkey up from daycare and take him to visit his brother. It is cold, so the visit will be short and I will sit there in silence wondering why I don't feel closer to him in the place his remains lay. I will look for words to convey my love and grief, but they will never be enough. I will then go home to sit and feel guilty that I didn't do something better to honor him.
I have ideas of things to do, but none are really good enough. I did buy an angel memorial ornament for the Memory Tree at Hospice. Maybe I should brave the store and take toys to the hospital. I could bake cookies and deliver them to my favorite nurses. Maybe I will finally watch the video I have from Noah's life. I have never watched it and am not sure I can. I could light a candle and say a prayer. None of it expresses my feelings. It all feels empty. M is not here and the rest of the world has forgotten my loss. Forgotten his life.
What I want to do is very out of character for me. I want his name tattooed on me. I want to see it everyday for the rest of my life. I am not a big fan of tattoos, but for some reason I am drawn to this. I have considered his footprints or a turtle, but I think I just want his name. Where to put it? I don't really know. I considered my foot or the inside of my arm. I don't necessarily want anyone else to see it. Maybe white ink, as it will be subtle. I am not sure I can go alone, but I don't know who I would trust that experience to. I don't like pain, but the pain seems welcome. A way to feel him.
I don't really know what the day will bring, but I can only hope I find a way to truly honor Noah. For now, I will begin the countdown, pray for peace, and hope to hold him in my dreams.
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2 comments:
I hear you and how many choices you don't have at the moment.
I will tell you that after years of torture, the best decision I ever made was to make Emma's birthday (that's what I call it) my own personal holiday. If I start a new job, I tell them upfront "I don't work on Sept, 8th". If I have to I keep the explanation short and sweet, but is important to me to be available to my emotions on that day - whatever they come out as.
I pray that you have days like this in the years to come. For this year, it is what it is. right?
I don't whether this would be your pick for the tattoo location or not, but for me I'd have his name tattooed right over my heart.
I haven't experienced the loss of a child, but some of my tattoos are reminders of other family members that I've lost. I find myself tracing the patterns of my tattoos sometimes - it can almost seem like meditation, a physical reminder of those who are no longer with me.
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