Happy New Year

It being New Year's and all seems to have many writing about their accomplishments or lack there of lately. It has me thinking about the last year for me. On the outside, I feel like I haven't done much, but when I am really honest there a few things that I did get done.

I went back to work, granted it is only part time, but I did it. That was no small feat. After being home for 18 months, it was hard to transition back to the work world. I started this job with no confidence and not sure what I had to offer. I still don't think my work is 100%, but I am doing my best with all of the drama and baggage that keeps weighing me down. When I wrote my resume, my previous work experience seemed irrelevant. I am not that girl anymore, but I couldn't seem to find a space to explain what I have learned from my baby dying. After 9 months back at work, I actually like going. It is a few hours of peace and quiet. I don't have to discuss my personal life with anyone if I don't want to and it has been good therapy. I actually have sent my resume in for a full time position. We will see what happens.

I put Monkey in daycare. For most, this is not an accomplishment, but for me it is huge. Leaving my only living, breathing child with someone not related to me is the scariest thing I have ever done. It is relinquishing control and that is not my strong suit. I still don't like it, but he seems to enjoy the social interaction and I keep telling myself it is only 1/2 day. If I should land the above mentioned job, we will tackle full time daycare then.

I have survived 9 months on my own. I have never lived on my own or had to be responsible for another human being by myself. It has been the hardest 9 months in someways, but in others I feel more confident and less dependant knowing I can do this. I am self sufficient. Monkey and I are a great team and we are making this work.

In the next year, I hope to achieve many things. I don't want to make resolutions because it is disappointing when you fail to achieve them. I really just want to start the new year with a change in attitude. I am ready to start living. I want to enjoy the many things I have to be grateful for. I know I will have days that the grief kicks me in the ass, but I have decided that is okay. I am not going to fight it anymore. I am just going to welcome it like an old friend. Those moments will offer me time to reflect on Noah and my former life. I am going to learn from my mistakes and stop living in fear. This year, I will act on what inspires me. I will seek out people who make me feel good and I will give back in honor in all of those who helped me in the darkest of times. Most of all, this year, I will be happy.

I wish everyone a wonderful New Year and hope that all of us baby lost mama's can find our way on this journey to find ourselves and happiness.