Please wake me up

He stands there looking at me. His eyes show a mixture of anger, fear, hurt, and apathy. I am tired of his justifications for his choices, acts of fatherhood, and his so called concern for me. Fuck him. He has chosen this path and now he simply is avoiding dealing with it.

It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. I don't really want to be with this man. I don't even know who he is. This person standing before me is mean, stagnant, and most of all a coward. The man I knew was none of those things. He was kind, loving, and always tried to do the right thing. He was the person everyone thought was such a nice guy. I don't where this person has been hiding all of this time. It is like he went to bed one night and this monster took over.

I am so scared of this revelation. I feel sick thinking of what it means. It means that I am alone. More alone than I have ever been. It means that all of my hopes and dreams have died. My entire life as I knew it is over. I will move. I know a house is just some sticks, but it is independence. I will probably move in with my parents. Comforting and suffocating all at once. They are wonderful and love me and Monkey more than anyone. It is hard admitting defeat and going to home with my tail tucked between my legs. I will have to quit my job to find something full time with insurance. Something that pays enough that I can care for Monkey and not have to count on him. I gave up that job to have babies. It means that I will probably have no more babies. This is the hardest part to swallow. I need this. I crave it. I want nothing more than to hold a newborn baby in my arms. Not to replace Noah, but because being a mother is the only thing I have ever felt truly peaceful.

I will admit that I hate being alone. Silence is the most terrible sound to me. I just like knowing that another soul is there. It makes a house a home. I know people will say that there are others out there, but I don't see that for me. I am broken beyond repair and that doesn't mesh with being with another human being. Also, I already had my true love. He left and broke my already damaged heart into a thousand pieces. I don't think a person finds that twice.

Mostly, I hate what this will do to Monkey. I have held on in some way for him. I wanted him to have both of his parents. I didn't want him to have to choose between us. I know that I will have to share him. It hurts so much to think of what lies ahead in regards to my sweet son. I know couples always say that they will do what is best for their children, but in the end I don't think many actually do. It will always be a tug of war.

I don't know if I have the strength to turn and walk away. What if it is the worst mistake of my life? What if he truly needs time to work through this depression? Will my best friend ever come back? If he is in there, I want to wait no matter how difficult it is, but if he is gone, I don't see any reason to stay. I am tired of thinking about this. Tired of waiting. Tired of being hurt. Tired of telling this story that never ends. At times I feel weak and pathetic for still waiting. I am embarrassed and maybe in denial that my life is such a wreck. I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare that won't end. I keep trying to wake myself up, but the dream just keeps replaying. Please, please wake me up.