"Hi Daddy!", the little voice squeaks. He is excited to see his father and knows that he will get to go bye bye. My heart breaks each time this exchange ensues. M tries to be nice during these exchanges, but if it breaks his heart to have his young son understand this situation, he doesn't show it. How I feel I have failed my dear, sweet son. He is so innocent and it is so unfair to have had so much tragedy and sorrow in his young life. He lost his best friend and now it is normal to not have your Daddy tuck you in bed each night.
I never could have dreamt this scenario. One child dead and the other growing up in this broken home. The guilt is eating me alive. I read this article about surviving twins and how their parents struggle to discipline them. They end up spoiling them because they feel so guilty about their baby's tough start in life. So much guilt for so much that is out of our control. I tell myself that I must teach him manners and to mind, but it is so easy to give him all he wants. If only to make up for all of my failures. It used to kill me when he would ask for his Daddy. I was so heartbroken, I am not sure how I even answered. It was just one more reminder that M was gone. Now, he doesn't even ask. He just accepts that this is how it is.
Tonight, like so many others, M picked him up for "their" time. The excited little voice said "Hi" and he was ready to go. Another piece of my heart broke. I know in a few short hours that little voice will be telling me "Hi", but each time he leaves, I am watching a piece of my soul leave. Each time he leaves, I silently wipe away the tears threatening to take over.
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1 comment:
The many varieties of grief, loss and guilt you are harboring now is overwhelming just to think about. I can't imagine living it.
You are doing an amazing job. Know that.
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