7x7

7x7 from over at Glow.

1 Welcome to 2009. What have you left behind in the year just past? What do you hope to find in the year to come?

I keep trying to leave my guilt behind (not working out too well). Guilt for both of my babies. I hope to find me. I seemed to have lost her somewhere in between the hospitals, seizures, and the death of Noah. I want to find the authentic me.

2 We've just come through the season in which our culture touts cheer and peace and family togetherness rather relentlessly. How did your child's death impact your experience of the "holiday" season, personally or culturally?

The holidays go hand in hand with Noah's death. He died on the 17th of December. His memorial service was not until the 22nd. I came home empty handed from the hospital to find the stocking I had hung for him just a few nights before. The holidays will never be what they once were. I am two years out and find myself finding tiny snippets of joy watching Monkey discover the wonder of the holidays. I think they will always be difficult and bittersweet.

3 If you celebrate in any way through December, are there ways you include or acknowledge your lost baby/babies?

I buy an ornament for Noah each year for our tree. I will admit, I still hang his stocking next to Monkey's just because I can't quite bring myself to leave it in the box. Otherwise, I just remember him. He is always with me.

4 Through the year are there any holidays, seasons, or parts of what were once cherished rituals that have changed for you because of your child's death?

They have all changed. They are all bittersweet and all equally hard. Each day without him is just as hard as the last. Fall is particularly difficult because it encompasses his entire three months of life. I relive his life each day.

5 Do you do anything to remember your baby/babies' birth and/or death day? Or will you?

I visit the cemetery and just sit with him. Monkey and I sent balloons to Noah this year on their birthday. As time passes, I do this more privately as the rest of my family tries to not acknowledge these days for me. They seem to think I should move on, so I just memorialize him on my own. I have allowed myself permission to do what feels right at the time. My rituals will also become Monkey's rituals and I hope they are healing to him also.

6 Is there anything about the winter season (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere right now) that lifts your spirits? Is there anything that especially brings them down?

It is cold and dark. I am very tired of being in the dark. All I seem to have the energy for is sleeping and eating. I would like to hibernate until spring.

7 During your hardest times, how have you found your way forward?

Sometimes, I don't move. Others, I find my strength from other baby lost mama's who have the courage to move forward. Mostly, I just look at Monkey and know he deserves to have his Mama in the moment with him. He is my light.