My lack of self control..

The day started off pretty well for a change. M, Monkey, and I went to church followed by lunch. We even stopped so Monkey could play in the park on this unseasonably warm January day. For a brief moment, it almost felt like we were a family. Then the reality of where we are slapped me in the face.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control and hurt. I find the anger bubbles up when I am least expecting it to. My mind tells me to just go with things and follow M pace, but my heart is breaking and shouting for the agony to stop. I called M tonight wanting to find a time to talk about where we are going. It turned into an all out fight with the horrible screaming and name calling. We definitely do not fight fair. I am not proud of that fact, but it is the truth when it comes to us. I am right back where I started. I know I should have not made that call, but I just can't seem to stop myself. I just want to move forward. Living like this is suffocating. It is lonely and it hurts so bad to feel so unloved.

At times, I think I should just get it over with and file for divorce, but I can't seem to give up on the idea of what our life used to be. I can't imagine my life without M. I am so scared to choose the wrong thing. I think that is what he thinks. No one makes a choice because we are to terrified of making the wrong one. I am damaged goods and at times I feel unlovable. It is true, if you don't love yourself, it is impossible for another to love you. I think we both are struggling to love ourselves. We are so hurt and angry that it seems impossible to move beyond that.

After tonight, it may be over anyway. Why is he doing this to me? It all feels so hopeless.