Double Life

In the past, I haven't been able to convey my feelings about M's leaving and I still seem unable to fully write or even think about it. His leaving is the 2nd worse thing that has happened to me. I have lost my partner, my best friend, and my lover. I have never until now imagined my life without him by my side. He was my courage, my strength, and my home. Without him I am lost.

I live two lives. One, where I pretend all is okay. I put on a happy front, say I am fine when asked, and go on with life. I go to work, exchange pleasantries with acquaintances at the store, and do all of the normal things I used to do. I do not talk about my personal life. I avoid those that once were in our lives, but on the outer circle. They are friends, but not the kind I trust with my broken heart. Most of these people are also friends with M. I am humiliated by how my life is turning out. I can hear them talking and feel their stares as they observe the train wreck which is my life. I try to not think about them. I have never been one to really care what others thought, but I have never lived with this scarlet letter before either. The other life is sad and broken. It is me curled in a ball on the bathroom floor because I can't take this pain one more second, yet I am paralyzed by the fear and hurt. It is full of tears and loneliness. I have somewhat done this to myself. I should have stopped being ashamed of what I couldn't have controlled and sought out the support of those around me. Maybe if I had done so, I would have moved on by now. I feel like I live one big lie. I never outright lie. I just don't voluntarily disclose the truth of my current situation. Essentially, I feel like a fraud. Life #1 is exhausting and feels dishonest. Life #2 is so lonely and depressing.

M and I went to a new marriage counselor today. She was okay. I guess I will give it a try. He has hurt me so badly, I just don't know how to move forward, yet I just can't seem to give up. I love him. I want my life back with him, but I don't know how to live with this never ending pain and rejection I feel from him. I know healing takes time, but I need a bigger commitment from him than just marriage counseling. If his heart is not in this, I want our marriage to be over. I don't think I can survive another round of this down the road. If we get back together, I must know he is in it for the long haul, not out of obligation or some other reason. It must be because he wants to spend his life with me. How do I keep waiting on him to make that choice? Each day, it gets a little harder. I told him he must tell me a date in which he is moving back home. This may be a mistake, but I just need to know that this struggle will end. I think we need something drastic, but I am not sure what that is. He says he needs to feel a connection. I am not sure how we rekindle that when we are not together very often and when there is no trust between us. I know for myself, that I can't let my guard down because I am so afraid of being hurt. It seems when I think it is going okay, I just get crushed one more time.

I am just so tired of this double life. At times, I think it would be easier to just part ways and move on, but then I think about how alone I am and all of the things I had hoped and dreamed of with him. I want those things. Deep down, I do want it all. That is why I wait. I just need the strength to make it through each day. I pray for the patience and faith to believe in him. I know that I may suffer more pain in the end, but if I give up, I have no chance of ever recapturing those lost dreams. I am going to stop lying to myself and everyone around me that I am okay. No one really out right asks about where he is, but I am going to stop denying the fact that he is gone. It is what it is. No more shame from this scarlet letter.