"Trauma"

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

All of that from two hours with me?

M and I visited the marriage counselor today. She asked lots of questions about Noah and how I felt about it. She really liked to use the word "trauma" over and over again. It really annoyed the hell out of me. The final straw was when she kept asking what was the hardest part. Really? What the fuck do you think is the hardest part? I took a deep breath, composed myself, and answered everything. She then had the nerve to decide that I had not dealt with it. Like it is something to neatly wrap up and put away. She suggested some creepy "trauma therapy". I am pretty sure that there is no chance in hell of that happening. What really pissed me off was the nerve of someone who has met me twice passing that judgment. I have come a long way. No, I am not over it, nor have I dealt with it completely, but I am a lot farther along in this journey than I was. I actually wake up these days and can see the flicker of light glowing from the edge of the darkness. I am trying. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am finally moving forward.

She really infuriates me when she starts talking about grief and losing Noah. She is totally clueless. This may be a shitty club that nobody wants to join, but I find myself being very protective of it and all of the babylost mamas who make it up. This space is sacred to me. This club is what got me through in the darkest of days. I have not shared this space with M. I am afraid of his judgements. He may surprise me and support this world, but I think he will not understand how I can share my thoughts with people I have never met. I can't quite explain how these babylost mamas inspire me to keep living, to keep moving forward. They also make it okay for me to share my sadness, my fears, and even the anger. This online world gets it while the "real" world is at a loss of what to do with me and pretends that this did not happen. I wanted to share how I found peace in writing, but I didn't say it. They wouldn't get it. They wouldn't understand that it is not so much that others are reading (don't get me wrong, I value hearing from those reading) as I am getting all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head. It is a reprieve from the torture going on in my mind.

It's not that the therapist has been totally wrong in her judgements of me. She does pick up on snippets that others haven't. I just can't seem to allow her into this world she can't possibly understand. I by no means think my loss is more difficult than that of a mama who lost a singleton. It is just different and she has failed to recognize this. Having twins and one not surviving changes things. I was not allowed to fall apart and lay on the bathroom floor after losing Noah. I had to walk into my broken home and be a Mama to a newborn baby. I can only imagine what it would be like to return to older children who can comprehend the loss of their little brother or sister. That would be so much harder. To have to answer their questions and reassure them in such hard times would be so daunting. I had to delay my grief until I couldn't hold it in any longer. I often think that maybe I had it easier than other mamas cause I had this beautiful baby boy waiting for me. He made me get out of bed and live when all I could think of was disappearing. Monkey is why I am here taking the next step. As I said, losing a twin is no worse, just different. I often shy away from people who have lost their only for fear they will think I have no place to in this world cause I still have one baby. Even with the gratitude I have for the child who lived, I still miss my son more than words. I can't seem to convey this to her and on some level don't want to.

The other thing that bothered me is how she fixated on my "trauma". What about M? It happened to him too. I feel badly that Daddy's are so often overlooked in this world. I realize they deal with the loss differently, but she never even acknowledged the loss for him. I know this really did effect him after Noah died because he felt that he had to be strong and just get over it. I think that led us down this road to some point. There were other problems in our marriage, but I can't imagine having to just suck it up and be strong. The "real" world just expected that it would hurt me more. I am very sorry for that.

I don't know if we will go back. I will probably follow M's lead and do what he wants. I will just ignore her ignorance for now. It is too bad that those who are supposed to be helping are really very clueless. If her description of me is accurate, I can only wonder what she would think of the rest of this community. I don't feel my grief is any worse than of any other mama who has lost her baby. Really, I don't care what she thinks. Maybe her assessment is right, but I am where I am supposed to be on this journey. I know it is far from over, but I will not let some crazy shrink make me think that I have not traveled as far as I have down this road.