I hope...

Hope. Can you live without it? In our first visit with our pediatrician after flying Noah home to our local hospital, he looked me in the eyes through my tears and told me, "You can't live without hope". He was giving me permission to fight for my child. The doctors at Mercy had taken all of my hope away. They told me to take him home, to expect nothing, and watch him die. Thank God for that small moment of kindness with our ped. He for the first time in weeks with Noah allowed me to imagine a life with him. Granted it was a different life than I had imagined. It was still life.

The last 6 months I have felt like something was missing. I realized it was hope. I was floating through life like a bystander waiting for something to end this unbearable pain. I now know that nothing will take away the pain of losing Noah, but I have to choose how I let it define me. Sometimes, I look at Monkey and try to imagine him growing up. I know this sounds terrible, but instead of when he grows up, I find myself saying if he grows up. I type it and my heart feels like it is being ripped in two. This is my biggest fear. I will lose Monkey. I have to let go. He is a little boy who is going to skin his knee and get into trouble. I must stop envisioning everything that could go wrong. I will make myself crazy if I don't. I must hope for his future. I must allow myself to dream of his first day of kindergarten, college graduation, and holding his own sweet babies. How do I learn to dream again?

The husband and I went to a new marriage counselor today. It was better than I expected. There may actually be a tinge of hope for our marriage. I am scared to truly dream of our future. It will hurt to badly, when it falls apart. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. Secretly, I want to dream of more babies, growing old with my best friend, and watching my children grow into adults. It hurts so badly to imagine never having any of it.

I hope Monkey grows up strong and healthy.

I hope I can rekindle my marriage.

I hope my best friend comes home.

I hope I meet Noah again on the other side.

I hope...