Anger

I am angry. I am angry for my lost son who never really knew life. I am angry for Monkey for losing is twin at such a young age. I am angry at God for letting this happen and more angry for not restoring my faith. I am angry at myself for not pulling it together. I am angry at my husband for abandoning me. The list goes on and on...

So I am mad. Really that doesn't even begin to really describe it. Pissed off is closer, but still not good enough to truly express the depths of my anger.

We went to our therapist today. We got started and immediately he made me mad. I really forced myself not to show my anger. We talked a lot about communication and the way that the husband and myself cut each other down. We are both scared to talk and accept each other for fear of being by hurt one another. He told us to go out and just have fun. I honestly said that I didn't really know what fun is anymore. Then I was more honest when I said that I feel guilty for having fun. Then I became angry. Angry for anyone questioning my guilt.

I made a connection today. I actually was angry because I was so desperately trying not to cry. My anger is like a damn. It holds the flood of tears that are always there. The anger is the glue holding my life together. Though I think it may be about to drown me in the flood of tears. I hold onto the anger so I don't break down. It is a viscous circle. I feel sad and out of control so I get mad. It stops the tears. The anger just makes it all worse. How do I stop the anger? How do I let the damn break and still function? I don't know how to handle the hurt. Anger is easier than guilt, sadness, and regret.