Marriage

Marriage is an interesting thing. Apparently, I didn't get it quite right. I have been with my husband since our senior year in high school. We had that lovey dovey stage, but we were just babies. We barely survived college in tact and still decided to take the plunge into marriage. It seemed the right thing to do. It was the logical next step as my husband said once before. Don't get me wrong I love my him. We have always had a difficult relationship. We are very different. I think that drew us together in the beginning and has torn us apart since Noah passed away.

Our marriage has three stages, before the boys, the boys, and after Noah died. It has been different in each stage. In the beginning, we struggled to find our way, but there was never a doubt that we were supposed to be together. He was my rock, my best friend, and soul mate. Once the boys arrived, we moved into the best place we had ever been. Maybe it was survival and we were just too stressed and tired to struggle. We had a common goal, keeping Noah alive and taking care of Monkey. We were a team and the little, petty stuff just seemed to go away. Once Noah died, our relationship just slowly disintegrated. I think we were trying to survive each day and take care of Monkey. I know for myself that I just didn't have the energy to take care of him too. I am very sorry for that. I was so sad and angry that I didn't have the patience for him. He is a procrastinator, the kind of person who buries his head in the sand and pretends that shitty stuff isn't happening. I am not that way. I want a plan. I want to fix what is broken. Neither of us did a very good job of dealing with losing Noah. He avoided it and I wanted to fix it. It didn't matter what we did, he was still gone. He wasn't coming back. It seems once we both came to terms with this cold, hard fact, we realized that our relationship was virtually gone. I think we both tried to pretend it was going to be okay. We talked about more children, but he wasn't real interested in making them and I was scared shitless it would actually happen. We moved into a new house, planning our future. What a joke. Now he is gone and all we do is fight.

I never dreamed this would be my life. A dead baby and a husband, who is not sure he wants to save his marriage. How did I get here? How do I get out of here? I know Noah is not coming back no matter how sad and angry I may be. My husband, though, doesn't want a divorce. Does that mean he wants me? Is it pride standing in our way? I have tried vulnerable, but he is not cracking. I feel like such a fool, waiting on his love. I just can't walk away. Not yet.