Dreams

I used to lay down each night and pray for two things. Sleep to end this silent suffering I was enduring each day I had to live without Noah and dreams of him to reassure me he was okay. Some nights I didn't have either. Sleep is hard to come by and I found I rarely dreamed of Noah. Everyone else seemed too, but not me. Why?



The last dream of Noah that I remember, we were on an airplane. The plane was much like that of the one used to fly him from our local hospital to Children's Mercy. There was no one else on the plane in my dream. I don't remember there even being a pilot. I was sitting holding Noah, healthy, swaddled in a simple white blanket. It was serene and we were flying over an unknown city. All I remember is peace. For the first time I felt peace with my sweet, little boy.



I would give anything for the kind of peace now. Just one little dream please. That is all I am asking for. Just a few moments to be with my baby. He feels so far away today.



I try to remember each dream someone tells me about. My favorite came from our Early Intervention nurse who made home visits each week to check in on Noah. I really thing she may have been checking in on me. In her dream, she is walking through a desert and comes upon an oasis with a beautiful pond and flowers. There she finds a little boy singing and dancing. She asks the little boy what he is doing there. He says " I am waiting for my brother". My angel is waiting on his big brother. If only Monkey would have gotten to know his dear twin brother.



I pray dreams come tonight. Maybe a little boy will be singing and dancing. Maybe he will be waiting for his mother.



I love you Noah.