Lifes mean little jokes

I went to the gym this morning, hoping to get away for awhile and do something good for myself. When I was about half way through, a couple ladies started talking about their vacation. She said she went to see the human body exhibit. You know the one with the real human bodies? She talked about what they looked like and how she was queasy. I listened slightly interested only because I had taken anatomy with a cadaver lab when I was in college. She said they had a room with babies from a couple weeks gestation to a few months old. She talked of what they died of and how she was uncomfortable looking. I seriously thought I might throw up or just scream. She keeps describing it and all I can think of is the night Noah died. The way he looked. He didn't look like my baby anymore. I never saw him after that night. I decided not to see him at the funeral home before he was cremated. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to leave. I felt that he was no longer there. Just a body. I so much regret that decision now. To have had one more chance to look at his long, slender hands and touch his hair. I think I was scared to see him after the autopsy. I couldn't bear the thought of them cutting him open.

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The husband and I had it out today. He keeps saying that he doesn't know. I understand the overwhelming sense of grief, but not quitting on your family. He says he wants Monkey more, but I am just not comfortable letting that happen. We are seriously about two steps away from divorce. The idea makes me sick to my stomach. I can't live like this, but I'm not ready to throw it all away. I know this has gone on much too long. He agreed to try a new marriage counselor. I don't know, we may be too far gone. I have considered setting up a schedule for him to see Monkey and not talk to him otherwise. I am miserable when I am around him. He reminds me of all I have lost. He was my best friend, my lover, and soul mate. Now I don't know who this man is. He is certainly not the one I fell in love with all those years ago. I wish I could think of something else to try, something he would feel he could do.