or maybe scream it.
My baby is dead.
I need to talk about him. I need to say his name and share his story. I need to just be able to make him real. I want to feel him on my chest and smell his baby smell. I need him and his strength.
I feel like my grief for Noah got put on the back burner while I dealt with M and my dissolving marriage. I couldn't handle both. I couldn't feel that much grief and survive. It is still here. I find it is starting to creep in to all of my thoughts again. I caught myself talking about him today and I know that I just needed to say his name out loud. I needed him to exist today. I don't know that it even mattered to me if anyone listened. I justed needed to say it.
I hold enough grief to last a lifetime plus a few more. I don't want to be the victim and say why me, but why me? Why my son and then my marriage? How is this my life? How do I move on when I have lost so much? When does the pain subside?
The last few weeks have been unbearable. I put on my fake smile for the day, but I am exhausted from all of this effort and the raging insomnia. I just want to lie down to sleep and actually sleep. I can't take the horrible images of losing Noah and my cheating ex-husband. I know it is all part of the process, but I have to function. I have no choice, but to get up each morning, take care of Monkey, and go to work. I can't do that and fall apart at the same time.
The weight of carrying this is crushing me. I don't remember how it feels to be happy and relaxed. The tension in my shoulders is permanent. I feel and look like hell. What I really need is someone to just hold me and let me cry. I need to fall apart and not be so damn alone. I miss and crave human touch. I just need that shoulder to lean on. Losing Noah was isolating, but current events have made it that much worse. It is very lonely in dead baby, cheating husband land. I really, really hate it here.
Wishing and hoping for sleep and maybe just a glimmer of happiness.
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10 comments:
Let us say his name with you: Noah. Noah. Noah. We remember with you and his name is always in our hearts. Scream it if you need to. Weep it. Cuddle it. Let it out. He is your son and you should always feel free to say his name whenever you want.
I can only imagine- and actually, I really cant, I can only put my virtual hand on your shoulder to try and alleviate some of your aloneness- the hell that your marriage became. You deserve that human touch, that contact, that friend to hold you while you cry, and I'm sorry that the internet doesnt allow us to share that aspect of comfort with you. Please know that although I am not physically there, I am here if you need a friend. I'd be happy to pass along my phone number if you just want to talk or cry or whatever. It's so hard to feel alone. That I do know. And if I or any of us can make your aloneness less isolating, then I know we all will.
I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better for you. Your ex-husband has failed you so much. Complicated your grief even more than it already was with his selfishness. (I wonder how she sleeps at night knowing what he did to you?)
I know when i couldn't sleep and I was tense that diazaphan worked for me. It eased the tension in my shoulders and helped me to sleep. I resisted medication for so long but caved in because without sleep i was not coping.
I found that I only used it a few times a week for a while and now and then only once a week (if that) these days. If you can, go see a doctor and get a script. It's amazing how much better a decent nights sleep will help.
You say his name as often as you need to. I have my girls photos all over the house.. and I talk about her all the time to my son and anyone else.
I'm so sorry Noah isn't with you.
xx
I'm listening. I can only echo the previous comments. Say his name as often as you need to.
I can't imagine. You must be absolutely exhausted. I'm so sorry that Noah isn't with you and his twin brother. I'm so sorry that your husband let you all down so appallingly.
I hope you find sleep and that glimmer of happiness some time soon. xx
Scream it. I'll scream it with you. Wish I could be there in person so you could scream it into my shoulder.
Please, please be good to you. Go get a massage. Talk to someone about sleeping pills or at least something homeopathic that will stop the wheels from turning when you're in bed. Don't be afraid to let the smile slip occasionally -- your son will know and understand that sometimes it's ok to be sad, and this is an important life lesson.
Come here and dump anytime. Thinking of you.
I wish I could really tell you what your kind words mean to me. Thank you for letting me vent, cry, and just let it all out. I am trying so hard to keep it together so Monkey will be okay. I know I must take care of myself in order for that to happen. It is just all so hard and overwhelming. Thank you for making this journey not so lonely. Thank you for saying his name.
Remembering Noah with you, and listening and abiding with you today. And gently reminding you that sometimes taking care of yourself means letting yourself fall apart. What you are grieving is so real and so big - it hurts so much to do it and so much is unknown, like why this happened or when the pain will subside or change, but I promise you won't stay fallen apart forever.
Here from the LFCA.
Noah, such a beautiful name.
I too am sorry you've had to put your grief on hold in order to deal with the rest of your life. I know how that feels. I feel that due to my own health issues, I skipped quite a few steps in grieving and I need to return to where I left off months ago. It's overwhelming, guilt inducing, and unfair.
I pray that you soon find peace regarding your marriage, at least enough peace to allow you to focus your energy on your sons without all the distraction.
Peace.
I too am saying his name with you, and wrapping my arms around you virtually to hold you. You are so strong, mama.
I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said better by everyone else before me. I'm so, so sorry you lost your precious Noah. Say his name, scream his name, smile his name and when I say my Starchild's name and my Molly's name, I will remember Noah.
Hi dear, I just found your blog.
I say "Noah' with you now, as I read your post. I echo too what was said above, your husband really left you in the time that spouses need each other most.
I hope you can find someone to talk to (of course, the blogs help me so much). I found that getting a massage helped my physical tension and expressions of grief. And, while you are paying for it, there is something so healing about another persons touch. A good massage therapist believes this too, that they are doing good work through their touch.
I also had trouble sleeping, and took melatonin (OTC, at alternative or natural stores) before going to bed. It really helped, and actually 'reset' my system, so I didn't need to take it more than a few weeks. I had bought the lowest dose available and it worked.
(hugs)
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