It is over. The papers are signed. The crappy child support has been ordered and the insulting amount of maintenance has been awarded. The 401k account is being transferred. All for the low, low price of $4.50 per minute. Yes, almost as much as one of those cheesy 900 numbers. 210 minutes is what it took to divide our assets. It took 13 years to create this disaster, but such a short time to finally seal the deal.
From this point on, my only connection to M is our children. I made a realization in this game with no winners or losers, I walked away with the only thing that mattered. The Turtle and the Monkey. I know M still gets his visitation with Monkey, but a few hours is nothing to getting the everyday. I rock him to sleep. I get the cuddles first thing in the morning. I get the privilege of trying to shape his life so he grows up to be a honorable man. I will not fail. I may have not been able to give him the family I dreamed of, but we are a family, him, Noah, and me. I will also stand beside him with all of the love and support he needs. I also watched as he simply signed over the cemetery plot where my sweet son's ashes are buried. I needed to protect his memory from the way that M has used his death as a reason for his choices. He deserves to be honored and remembered. Not treated as a burden and excuse for M being less than a man. In the end, I have my children and the rest really doesn't matter.
I sat in the little room today with my attorney and saw the reality that is M's life. Tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt since he left. It must be expensive to abandon your family. I saw a therapist not too long ago and I asked her when I would stop being angry. She told me when I began to feel sorry for him. Not sorry in a way that I want to help, but pity for the disaster he must now live in. I may be inching closer to that point. He is drowning in his choices and as I stand on the edge of his abyss, I am pretty sure I will just turn and walk away just as he once did. It doesn't get much more sad and pathetic than living with your parents, your girlfriend and your soon to be born child of deceit all because you can't even afford rent. He wanted mercy. He wanted me to walk away and not ask for what was rightfully mine. My attorney asked for what I wanted and the only answer I had was for him to suffer. What I didn't realize this morning, he did that to himself. I didn't have to do anything to inflict pain upon him. Now, I can sit back and watch his life disintegrate knowing that I got the best pieces.
For a brief moment today I wanted to cry. I just wanted to lay my head on the table and sob. I wanted to let the grief, betrayal, and pain to just wash away with my signature on those papers. I held the tears in as I will not give him the satisfaction one more time of hurting me. I signed those papers and realized that maybe the dream I lost wasn't for me. My new dream is moving on, finding myself, and feeling true joy that is long overdue. I don't know if that dream includes anyone for me, but no matter, I will find happiness. My life is just beginning...
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12 comments:
There is strength in your new dream. You'll find all that you want, all and more, in time. And I will be here smiling at how far you've come.
Your ex looks more and more pathetic with each post. I don't think it will be long before you let your anger go.
Wow, what an amazingly positive woman you are.
I applaud you.
I read your words and am often blown away by your resilience and how articulate you are about this incredibly difficult time. It sounds almost healing to see the consequences of his actions. To a new beginning (clink).
good for you for staying positive and focusing on the kids. they are the best parts.
warm thoughts your way.
It's so nice to hear you talking about the future in a positive way. There will still be some lows, but strive for the highs. You're doin' fine! Monkey and Noah are lucky to have you!
I remember getting to the point of feeling sorry for my ex-husband. I was no longer angry with him. I clearly remember someone asking me if I hated him and I said, to my surprise, no I just feel sorry for him. However it took me years to get to this point, much longer than it seems it’s taken you, congratulations. I wish I would have come to this realization a lot sooner. I wasted a lot of time and energy hating him.
He missed years and years of our children growing up, he abandon them from the time they were 7 until just two years ago. They will be 20 on Tuesday. From what little my son tells me about him I can piece together that his life is not great. Lives in a trailer sometimes and sometimes a rented house with a wife that is missing teeth and she works at a gas station. Didn’t pay child support but he help raise her son and forgot about the twins we had together.
Your right, you get all the time that makes a difference. Your life will be great, it seems to be headed in that direction already.
Came from the LFCA to wish you peace and happiness as you begin this new part of your life. May it bring you rewards you have not even dreamed of yet and all the healing you need.
Remember the saying "living well is the best revenge" Live well with your son and your memories and you will have the last laugh! Good luck. I love the way you make both your twins your priorities!!
Good luck. This post is wonderfully written. When your son is asked where he gets his courage, give him this post.
I think the idea that he created his own shitpile will serve you better in the long run: no guilt. He did this to himself. And it serves him right.
You did get the best pieces, good for you. Revenge may well be him coming one day to understand that very point. Best to you moving forward -- Turtle and Monkey have a simply awesome, awesome Mama.
Stay strong. Believe me, there's a light at the end of that tunnel (& it's not A TRAIN!)
I'm hoping, praying, and wishing you get the peace you so deserve.
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