I didn't deserve this. Monkey didn't deserve this.
I know I wasn't perfect, but I didn't ask for this.
This world of dead children and cheating husbands is very lonely here in the real world. I swear I am not contagious. I promise not to break or cry if you mention my former life.
A coworker told me he didn't ask or talk about Noah because well, that is how you handle dead children. They are gone so they shouldn't be talked about. In those brief moments, I realize that I don't fit in this world. Maybe I should move on and let it go, but he is forever etched in my heart and I refuse to let it go. Letting go is forgetting. He is my strength and light that leads me through this shit storm that is my life. I will never not acknowledge him. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable or think I may be a little crazy (you may be correct), but he is what defines my character and he is who made me who I am. I never lived until I saw his heartbeat for the first time or felt his small flutters. I knew all along he would not be mine to keep, but I embraced his life each and everyday that I was honored to have him. How do you pretend that didn't happen?
I am a square peg in a round hole. I don't fit. I am broken and tired, but will never quit fighting for my children. They deserve the world and much better than the hand they were dealt. Hell, I am pretty sure I didn't deserve what I was dealt. It is easy to fall into the trap of blaming myself for all that has happened, but in the end I have to tell myself, I didn't deserve this or make these choices. I can make a choice to let this define me or I continue to fight. I have to make a better life for Monkey and I. We will be happy.
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6 comments:
Hugs, I feel your pain. Letting go is not as easy as it sounds. I know, I know, You will be happy, we will be happy. You are a great mom
Wow... I cant believe your coworker said that. I realize it is a common MISCONCEPTION but still... to say it outloud.
I cant imagine not talking about my children. They are my children. I'd talk about them if they were alive, I'll talk about them now. If people are uncomfy, that is their concern- not mine. I think you should talk about Noah as much as you want with whomever you feel called.
It's a rough road you've had and that you continue on, but you are strong. You are making this work. For Monkey. For Noah. For you.
I don't think you need to make an active effort to remember. Maybe channelling that energy toward other things could be more productive. You will never forget. Noah is a part of you.
I think they should be talked about, I'm just not sure how to. How do you bring up a child that has passed when you know that pain must be unbearable?
I am sorry for your loss and the crap your ex has put you through.
Greetings, fellow square peg! I'm still wondering about the proper age/time/place to tell Z about his big sister in heaven...
[but it IS strange how even my nearest & dearest old friends behave as if she never existed]
With all due respect, your coworker is a clod. If you're feeling generous, you can pray that he never *will* understand completely, because that would require him to suffer the same sort of pain.
Keep right on publicly cherishing your children... both of them. Those who can deal with it will do so, and those who can't will just have to suck it up and move on. Hopefully folks as tactless as your coworker will be few and far between.
@Val--I really like the book Someone Came Before You by Pat Schweibert. You might look it up and see if it would help you have that conversation.
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