I'm done. I am just freaking done. I am tired and sick of worrying about how all of this will go. The last few weeks have sucked in ways I can't begin to explain. I just need to purge. It's not pretty, but I just need to empty my mind.
Monkey being sick. Work is so busy I can't think. M welcomed his 2nd living, breathing, healthy child without me. I am alone. I am so scared of being alone forever and more scared of letting someone in to hurt me all over again. I don't think I can live through any of it again.
I haven't been sleeping very well. I can't shut off my mind. It's like I take one step forward only to move back 5 more. Right now it feels like it will never be okay. I love Monkey and am so grateful for him, but I am not happy. I lay in bed crying the other night only to realize that Monkey, who I thought was sleeping soundly, was watching me, patting my back, telling me it is okay. How wrong is that? I feel like I am failing in every area of my life. I am trying so hard to hold it all together, make a living, and be supermom all at once. The pressure of it all is sinking me. I feel like I am going to crack. I try to hold it all together until he is asleep. I even failed at that.
I am so selfish sitting her wallowing in my own pity. I have it better than so many others and yet I can't shut up and just be happy. I just feel so broken. Losing Noah took away any confidence I had and M leaving without even looking back just finished it all off. It is weird because I don't miss him, but I miss the security of having another human being to lean on and just talk to. Now it is my job alone to figure out how to make my son better, to work and be with him at the same time, and show him a better life. I can't do it all alone and I don't even know how or what to ask for help with.
I think I have stumbled on a new grief. What if I never hold another baby in arms? I long for a child, but I long more for a family. I know Monkey and I are a family, but it feels broken and like so much is missing. I don't even know how to meet anyone. I don't know how to let anyone into my fucked up world. I can't even answer the question to how many children I have. That alone is enough to send someone running. The one person who really tried to get to know me has given up I think. I pushed him away and second guessed his intentions until he just got tired of trying. I think of calling him and telling him that maybe we could give it a chance, but I am too scared of rejection and of actually having to follow through.
I am trying to move past being perfect and what my idea of perfect was. I thought a perfect family was two parents and lots of kids. Maybe a mom, a Monkey, and an angel will have to be enough. Maybe that is perfect for us. All I want is to make peace with what is and figure out how move forward. I know I need to be happy in order for Monkey to thrive, but it is just so much harder than I thought. Right now, I just want to be able to relax and enjoy what I have. I want to be able to breathe again.
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- The Turtle and the Monkey
- Welcome to my journey to parenthood. Hold on for the ups, downs, and sudden stops. This is me learning to live with both my living and dead children.
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4 comments:
I wish I could give you air to make the breathing easier. Until then, know that I am here, thinking of you.
Wishing for peace for you so you can make the steps you want to make.
If you want to make that call to try again at opening the door with the man you've mentioned - just pick up the phone and call. Just do it. You're not in love with him today, so it won't be the same rejection you felt before. Just work with today and today only for now. You've got nothing to lose, so why not just give it a try? (Easier said than done, right? But force yourself. Sometimes it's the only way.)
Pretty much my philosophy is to do what makes your day easier and the rest will fall into place later. Don't worry about being everything to everybody at home and at work. Take care of yourself so that you CAN take care of others. But definitely go out and do something for yourself this week -- even if it is just picking up the phone and sticking your neck out.
You've got to start somewhere and the groundwork is already laid for this one. It won't be half as bad as you imagine just to make the call. See where it takes you. It will never be as bad as what you've already survived -- and it could end up being a good thing.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much right now. At least you're able to express yourself - which, by the way, you do very well. I'm hoping that you have someone (a "professional") to talk to... I hate to think that you're trying to fix this yourself. You aren't alone. And you certainly aren't being selfish or self-pitying - you're just being honest with yourself about how you're feeling. That's the smartest thing you can do right now.
If you need someone to talk/write to feel free to send me an email.
Take care.
I've stopped by three times now & still can't think of the "right" things to say...
But there is no right or wrong to this; your feelings are legitimate & trying to stuff 'em down will only make things worse (a former therapist of mine was fond of saying I hadn't "processed" my emotions; to her that meant a good weep-fest but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to stop). Blogging is therapeutic but it ain't enough sometimes.
Count me in as a sympathetic ear.
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