Today

Right now I would have been sitting in the ER trying to explain to an incompetent nurse that he always desats when you move him. Why could she not understand what I needed? I just needed her to get us a room, a doctor, and some antibiotics. I was sure that would fix the problem. Never mind the central apnea and CPR. I can live with that...just keep my baby alive. I would do my part if they would just get him what I needed.

They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....

Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.

My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.

I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.