Moving on...

Days like this I wonder if this fight is worth fighting. In my gut, I know that I am trying to do the right thing. I know my direction gets skewed from time to time by hurt and anger. I have been betrayed by the person who now tells me to "trust" him when it comes to my only living child. I do try to shake that off and keep trudging on.

It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.

I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.

I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.

It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.