Fall

The heat outside finally broke this weekend. Finally, cool air and the freedom to be outside without feeling like you will melt. I spent the day in the gorgeous sunshine working in my yard trying to make something pretty from the ugly weeds. I almost felt alive.

For such a good day, how do I end it weeping from the depths of my soul? The last few weeks, I have felt hopeless at times, but mostly just sad for what seemed like no reason at all. Seems, I would put this together by now, but I think I have just refused to let myself go there. In two weeks, my sweet boys will be 5. Well, Monkey will be 5 and Noah, I guess I believe will always be the same sweet baby he was. It's like the changing of the season stirs up the grief to make it fresh and new.

I find myself aching to hold him. The hole in my heart is torn wide open when I think of him. I was working on making Monkey's birthday invitations, when I came across the videos of the day they were born at my parent's house. I, in almost 5 years, have yet to watch them. I can't. I put one in the camera and dared myself to turn it on. There was my family, full and complete. A mom, a dad, and two wonderful babies. Watching his blue eyes made me feel like I could touch him. I only watched a short time, as it became apparent how much Noah struggled to take each precious breath. I almost feel guilty that I fought so hard to keep him alive and yet so guilty for not keeping him from getting sick that fateful day. It makes no sense.

I have struggled this year to get Monkey's BDay celebration planned. I think somewhere in my mind, I think if I put it off, I won't have to deal with it all. I am so proud of what a strong boy he has become and how much he loves his family, including the brother he really doesn't really know except for in his heart. I try to focus on him and how he sees Noah in the moon and stars. I look and look hoping to see what Monkey sees, but I just see an empty sky...

God, I miss him. I pray he is at peace and can feel my love.