I can't breath. My chest is going to burst open with this pain. The tears won't stop and I was pretty sure I had used them all up. It is all so out of control. I can't make this stop. This is happening and whether it is the right thing or not doesn't really matter right now. Right now, I just want my best friend, the one I thought I would love forever. I want security. I can't even think straight anymore. It hurts too bad.
I am so sorry.
Monkey, I am sorry that you will never know what is like to have both of your parents there for you when you wake in the morning. I am sorry this is the life you will now lead. I promise I will be there for you. I will do everything in my power to make it better than right now. I love you. I would lay down and die for you. I am so sorry I have failed you.
I am sorry that I couldn't be the wife that M wanted. I am sorry that I didn't do enough before and after the boys arrived to make him feel important and strong. I am sorry that he is so sad that he has lost his way. I am sorry that my anger is boiling over and the hurt is so strong that I am now just a heap on the floor. I am sorry that I can't make this easier for you. I do not want this. I chose love. I chose my marriage. You chose to leave.
I guess it just doesn't matter anymore. It is all over.
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- The Turtle and the Monkey
- Welcome to my journey to parenthood. Hold on for the ups, downs, and sudden stops. This is me learning to live with both my living and dead children.
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5 comments:
Oh, sweetie.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting so badly and I wish I could do something to help, something to let you know you have not failed.
You are an amazing mum and woman to have fought as hard as you have.
Biggest hugs to you
Oh My - I hear your heartbreak. Just cry and breathe, then cry some more and keep breathing...one slow heave at a time.
He chose to leave. This was not your choice. Your pain, anger and sorrow are totally justified.
We are here - always. xoxo
I'm so sorry that things are so bad. I am sending you as much hope as I can muster for positive changes in your lives.
I am sorry this hurts so much - this is never, ever what you expected to have to deal with - all of it. You can't blame yourself for M - everything changed for everyone involved and in no way is that your fault! You love Monkey and that will be enough, that is what he needs. I grew up in a divorced home and I knew my mom loved me and that was enough. It might not seem like it now, when you are sitting amidst the shards of your broken heart. But it will be enough, things will be okay, you will go on and Monkey will be good. Because he is loved so much.
Sending you hugs and strength and support and love.
I found your blog recently and I am so sorry for the things that have happened in your life. My heart aches for you.
Please know I will be praying for you and your precious son. I will pray for your husband as well.
I pray that God will be your strength.
Blessings...
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