When I was little I always wanted to be a Mother. I was the kid that had the very real looking baby doll with all of the accessories. I cared for that baby and took her everywhere.
As I grew older, I still wanted to be a mom. The plan was to go to college, get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. I guess in a way I am 3 for 4, but when I dreamed those dreams it did not look like this. I dreamt of marrying my best friend. We would be kind and loving towards one another. We would have 3 perfect children who we loved more than life. I wanted it all, including the white picket fence.
I think I thought it all just happened that way for everyone. No one ever told me marriage is hard. No one told me that babies die. No one told me that husbands fall out of love and just decided to leave one day. No one told me that I would marry my best friend, but that we weren't kind and loving enough. At times things were good, but it far to hard most of the time. He felt restricted and I felt alone. No one told me that I would have two beautiful sons, but I would only get to keep one ( I hope at least). No one told me I would end up alone.
The silence is slowly sucking all of the air out of the room. I can't stand to be in this house any longer, but this is Monkey's home and I will remain here as long as we can to give him that stability. I don't know how to do this. This is the way I felt when Noah died, except then I wasn't alone. M was with me. We held each other and cried. There is no one to hold me now. He came to pick Monkey up and I just wanted to collapse in his arms. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it would all be okay.
I don't have any dreams anymore. Happily ever after does not exist.
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4 comments:
You will get through this. Believe that.
Hi.just came across ur blog yesterday.Read most of it.Am very sorry for ur loss/es.would like to offer some advice re ur marriage and getting it back together.U speak alot about waiting for ur hubby to get thru his depression and being patient yet by ur interactions wit him it doesnt sound like u doin a good job of it.If all he really needs is space without pressure, then he isnt gonna get there.U wil by ur insistence on all or nothing keep alienating him further.I am exactly the same in my relationship so ps dont think that i have no sympathy for ur feelings.I know its the hardest thing wen u define urself by the people in ur life...by how loved they make u feel...by how much they hold u and look at u and want to spend time wit u...I really do get it but the truth is that no one can ever make u happy but u.And to put that responsibility on someone is not fair on them.I dont think ur marriage is over unless u push 4 resolutions right here right now.I think is has every chance of being nutured back to life.Start small,start wit one step.ask ur husband on a date.Remind him about the good things u had together.Dont think of the final outcome just make one small gesture of love and compassion...then the next step...and so on.U have the rest of ur life for happily ever after but it begins wit hard work and PATIENCE!best of luck.i do so hope it works out for u both and that u do indeed get to help each other thru the biggest test of ur lives ie losing Noah.Z
I wish that I had something more that I could say other than I'm saying a prayer for you guys and sending warm vibes your way. None of this is fair. It all sucks so much.
I can't say anything to make this feel better but there is another blogger who has gone through a similarly devastating breakup (http://www.antigonelost.com/) - sometimes it is a little better to know you're not alone.
Betty
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