Dreams

After reading this post over at Glow, I had this dream. I was on my way to Noah's burial at the local cemetery. At first, I was leaning over a headstone. I was putting my name on it. This seems creepy, but in my dream it was like I was telling Noah that I was going to join him someday. That my place would always be beside him. Sadly, in my dream my husband and I still were fighting. That part was not so peaceful. As my dream progressed, I began walking through the paths of the cemetery. They were full of poppies. It was beautiful. The dream was sad, yet when I woke up, it felt very serene. Rarely, do I ever get a sense of peace about Noah. This was a welcome gift.

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Still no news about Monkey. The waiting sucks! I keep telling myself that if it were serious, I would have heard something by now. Am I totally naive to think this way? I am just trying not to make myself crazy. If something is wrong, it is just one more blow. I don't know how much more strength I have. Some days, I feel as if I have to scrape myself up off the floor in order to go to work and take care of Monkey. I shove it all to the back of my mind and try to forget about it for awhile. Monkey doesn't deserve anymore hardship. His little life has been hard enough. Please God, let my little boy be okay.

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My husband and I are struggling to find common ground. This is so hard. I am so angry and hurt by his actions. He tells me that he is really screwed up over Noah. I have sympathy, but then I am just pissed off. Does he think he is the only one with issues over losing Noah? I have issues with it and I just didn't give up on our life. He says he wants this to work, but I don't know if I really believe it. The only positive I see in the situation is that we are beginning to communicate better. I am afraid to walk away, but I know that I can't continue on this path either. He told me that he feels that he never felt that he could openly grieve for Noah. He felt that all the attention went to me. I don't know what to do with that resentment. He may be right in some aspects. I had the support of my doctors and friends. His friends just acted like it didn't even happen. His family was supportive though. It is just different for men and women. I think we resent the way each of us grieves. I know we must find a way to accept that our feelings are very different and our reactions are okay. I love the man I married. I am sure he is still there somewhere. It is so lonely without him. I miss my best friend.